Is My Way the Only Right Way?

Try me.

Interesting question by one of my divers. “Are you sure everybody should do it your way? Do you know how arrogant this is?” Question was related to scuba diving, not something else.

a) no, as I respect free will, you can do it either my way or wrong way – your choice
b) maybe I inherited some arrogance from the guy who when brought to the stake repeated “Epur si muove”
c) if my arrogance now and then prevents shit from happening, I can live with it
d) if doing things the right way is arrogant - so be it

Point is, in certain professions you should not be just able to accumulate a load of knowledge and experience to implement your decisions. You should be aware that decisions you make you can not undo. Right or wrong or somewhere in-between – you will have to live with the consequences for the rest of your life.

So, this ugly quality – arrogance – is in place under certain conditions. I repeat, under certain conditions.

However, if the only quality of a person is arrogance (this is about 90% dive leaders I see in our waters) – this quality is more properly described as a pure shit. Let it be your chosen dive leader is a failed trekking guide, scuba instructor, gardener … Stupidly smiling, greedy morons taking care of your well being - without basic knowledge, without any respect to safety, no respect to their clients and trying to cover their total incompetence with arrogance – well, unfortunately, South East Asia is a great place for such idiots to prosper.

Rather good example is if we take a look at the experience programs devised for not yet certified divers. Several agencies devised some really good and save guidelines how to conduct this program, also PADI has a good and safe program for this. And when a non diver asks me to don him in a scuba gear and take him down to 30 meters and into caverns on the wall – as this is the only thing worth seeing here, I “arrogantly” explain why this would not be advisable. In many cases he finds a PADI dive center in neighborhood with more open minded dive leaders (idiots from the passage above) and after (if) surviving a horror experience he starts to blame everybody and everything, except his poor choice.

Dear divers!
I'm still working on the issue how to help you find only real PADI dive centers in Pemuteran and rest of Bali.
NSA, Alcoholic Anonymous and CIA gave up.
Fox Mulder seems to become deeply religious. He uttered: “Oh, my God ...”
And owners of the brand name can not hear our pleas. They listen to Sex Pistols song “And we don't care...” at too high volume.

Save the Planet and Bali

E.T. Marine Preservation Consulting Ltd.

Oceans desperately need our help. We desperately need your help.
Donate now!
What's happening?!

a) we are receiving cries for help from oceans constantly
b) UN funds are not sufficient and oceans need help now
c) we started to help with our own resources
d) are you still hesitating with your donation?!

Not very nice, but still a fact is the cruel reality.
Numerous (large, medium, small, micro scale) entities are collecting funds worldwide to protect this. Or that. Or something else.
So far so good.
Problem starts when somebody would like to see how this money is used in the epic fight for declared goals. If fees, salaries, marketing, hotel bills, travel expenses, and so on represent a little more than 100% of collected funds – well, that is not exactly what we donate for.

For instance we are helping to keep clean our small part of environment in Pemuteran, Bali where we live and work. We do this on daily basis and occasional bigger clean-up – as necessary. For many years. From time to time we pay donations to different organizations with similar goals.
We put in our work, pay people to help us, pay for proper disposal of waste. We just use a part of our time and income.
Once I decided to ask one of the world saving organizations to pay the bill for a couple of trucks of garbage we collected in our bay. Answer was nice, we can ask participants of clean-up to donate to this organization and we can buy (at rather inflated prices) promotional material for this organization.
Hmm ...

Are you a horrible hog in your everyday life? You generate piles of garbage on daily basis, you waste energy senselessly, you devastate habitats of animals by burning logs in your open fire-place …?
And now you want to clean the slate.
Don't send me your money – as I will not send you the “Ego te absolvo” email.
Go for a walk, if you see some trash bend and pick it up. Don't rant about an old plastic bag on the beach – pick it up and put it where it belongs.
You got the drift? Do something – small, big – doesn't really matter and the mission is accomplished.

However, if you desperately believe that the only salvation for your soul is by donating – OK, OK, be my guest.
Our Earth saving project is based on brilliant minds and tremendous efforts by some enthusiastic foreign divers, accompanied by happy, smiling and singing local people. We constructed bomb and fishermen proof shelters for last few remaining fish. We were working and ignoring bombs detonating on the beach full of guests sipping their cocktails. If you want to learn more about how we shed blood, sweat and tears for the good of the planet – donate now!
 

Divemastering in Bali

Do I hear right?
You love my Divemastering?!

We tested a beta version of a new (2016) program “From snorkeler to Divemaster in one day”. This innovative program brilliantly cuts all the fat from older versions and what remains is lean and clean new dive professional. Dive shop owners are already screaming for these new version of Divemastering, so job placement will be a piece of apfelstrudel.
What qualities we (dive shop owners) always expected from our Divemasters, but never got:

a) to allow divers to focus on beauty and excitement of diving
b) to make divers crave and beg for extending their stay with us
c) to prove to our divers heavens are only on our diving boat
d) to retrieve at least 125% of divers back on the boat after a dive

Old crap, such as scheduling, planning, logistic considerations, safety issues, evaluation of the members of the group, ability to establish perfect control during the dive, expert knowledge on decompression theory, diving equipment and so on and so on – is just that, crap.

Evolution is working also in our glorious diving industry. Only the greediest, totally unscrupulous will survive. Mastodons, focusing on pure diving and not only on net profits, will be extinct as dodo in a nick of time.
Previous, “From Zero to Hero” (from non-swimmer to barely swimming dive professional) 30 day instant program is a history.

Good news and bad news for ecstatic dive shop owners.

We will officially launch the new (2016) Divemaster program probably even earlier than initially planned. In late 2014. Start thinking now, where you will invest all your new enormous profits!

However, our legal department (the only essential part of any diving business), successfully protected all the rights on this program. They had to overcome some minor issues with United Nations, as one of the stipulations is to nuke out not just any offending entity but also the country allowing any violation(s) of our copyrights.
So lesser fun providing associations will not be in position to copy our program and you (dear, valued shop owners), will have to beg us for providing the services. For a modest fee, of course.

Dear readers, if an idea that I'm showing a birdie to entities offering (or allowing) “Money Back Guarantee - Zero to Hero Programs” crossed your mind, well, who am I to argue with you?

Merry, Merry, Merry-go-round ...

Bubbles... bubbly...babble...

In a very unlikely case anybody is still able to read in these high-octane, very liquid times, he or she must be:

a) a Buddhist monk in his wi-fi equipped cell
b) a convict for latest mass murders waiting for a chair
c) a vegetarian
d) crazy as me

As none of those suspects need any extra wisdom-based input, this post will be a touch shorter.
That's it, for this year.

A Clandestine Taliban Cell in Bali

Police officer Mr. Younoseeme file photo

Undercover law and fun enforcer, Mr. Younoseeme, tracked down vicious and seriously mentally challenged fraction of Taliban retards in Bali, in the village of Pemuteran.
What are they doing there?

a) their goal is to bomb the shit out of Christian holidays
b) as they are too stupid to figure out on what date the holidays are they bomb for days and days
c) during breaks they scratch their private parts and lick their fingers
d) firecrackers they buy from local explosive dealers Toko Suki and Toko Serbu

All of the eight tourists in Pemuteran, remaining last six Hindus and a couple of expatriates were pleading for some action against hordes of psychos.

Special law enforcement forces captured one perpetrator and exposed him to extreme interrogation. However, as their vigilance and haste didn't match their brain department capabilities, they unfortunately forgot to ask him questions and poor terrorist died without revealing any substantial information.

While still at large, the rest of not very brave, but sufficiently boneheaded warriors for louder and more stupid world decided to hire a lawyer.
Prominent Taliban lawyer Mr. Bombthemall explained his sweet, lovely, innocent group of morons is only expressing support to the Indonesian government, namely to the president Mr. Y. Bambang. When announcing bam! bang!! bam!!! bang!!! they are expressing their gratitude and loyalty to him.
Chief of police Mr. Deeppoket was torn between how to stop the illegal use of explosives on one hand and not to break the ovations to the beloved president on the other hand.
As an upstanding official he did the best for both involved parties – he collected donations from all and retired.

Lawyer representing the peace loving group, Mr. Flowerpower answered: “I love you too”, and continued with composing a fatwa.

Remaining Hindus, tourists and expats signed the fatwa on all of the noise-makers.
You want your million?
Catch a terrorist, tear his head off, piss down his throat and post a video on you tube.
Since the fatwa is out, one way tickets from Bali to Afghanistan are sold out.

P.S. If you got the feeling there is no love lost between firecrackers throwing imbeciles and me – trust your feeling.

P.P.S. If you have similar Taliban problems in December at your home, feel free to use our fatwa.

 

Soothing Sounds of Bali

You cut the cables and this thing is OK.

Idyllic island of Bali and esoteric people of Bali can make you feel in heaven also with their approach to music.
There is a subtle difference between majority of Balinese and a minority of mostly young Balinese. This minority has just a little different ideas of heaven, music, inner peace etc. Their type of heaven you would gladly accept:

a) if heaven is for you a concert of mentally handicapped blacksmiths
b) if you are medically approved as a 100% retard
c) if you can not hear an F-16 overshooting 10 meters above your head
d) if you are already seriously brain-damaged from rave parties

Sound of a piano, soft vocal, mingling with ocean waves or golden silence spiced with some whispers from the leaves dancing in an ocean breeze – all this is about same appealing to a globalized young Balinese as garlic is to Dracula. Reason is simple. All this can make you enjoy the pleasures of your life, be at one with people surrounding you, with yourself. You can start thinking, daydreaming, creating – and this is a mortal sin for idiots.

Younger generation of Balinese strives to become brain-free as much as it is humanly possible. And what is better to suppress your brain from working then to overload them with absolute noise? More boom boom boom units you put into your head, more effective. So sub-woofers are rather essential for their brain-damaging meditations.
In combination with a big enough doses of methyl alcohol (part of their local concoctions) results are amazing.
Matter of fact, lobotomy brings the same results, however, it's still too expensive.

A young guy in our village started to use a rather innovative approach. After a solid input of doomsday sounds and enough methyl alcohol, he starts collecting cow excrement, mix it with a raw egg – and after devouring this, he claims he is in heaven.
I just hope they will never hear explanation what word “stoned” means. As there are so many volcanic stones in Bali – on the other hand, seeing them when they start to hit themselves in foreheads with the stones …

Dear innocent victims of collateral damage (passers-by, tourists, neighbors), please keep on mind these poor lowlifes are just amplifying their desperate cry:

“Is there anybody, anybody at all, who would like me or care about me?!”
Sorry to inform you, the answer is: “Nobody.” And I counted several times.

 

A Diver.

A friend. A diver. A chili eater.

In times when bean counters, ambulance chasers and second-hand car sellers start to govern the scuba world, it's the time for a real scuba addict to emerge.
Do you know this guy from somewhere?

a) a carpenter you hired some time ago
b) your soul auditor
c) your neighbor
d) the guy who told you “Go diving and sin no more.”

Whatever. The fact is, he's an old school diver and as the rest of this bunch, clean as a whistle, straight as an arrow and of course from time to time he has to pay the price for this. As for instance after a meeting with a notorious gang of pushers selling scuba diving certification cards, T-shirts and diplomas – OK, he looks a bit haggard, slightly damaged, but his message to the pushers is clear – piss off.

For this guy, diving is diving. Period. Full stop.

He is bearing the weight of his scuba gear with dignity, whenever his primary tank is empty he opens the second tank valve, he will change regulator only for a regulator, BCD for a BCD …
If I got him correctly, his final statement at the meeting: “Bless you that understand me, and spit on you which despitefully use me”, earned him this beautiful crown.

How come you don't know this guy from Oprah's show? Well, somehow it's not in his nature to sit on a couch and explain to millions of blessedly mentally challenged intellectuals what body lotion he uses after being whipped with thorns.

What his Hollywood and the Village friends think of him? They hate his guts for what he is and for what he isn't.

What CEOs of major Fortune 500 companies think of him? Nothing. As they can not get their minds out of an endless loop “How to fuck each other ...”.

What Dalai Lama thinks of him? “Why he's always so late coming for tea?!”

What I think of him? “Buddy, what do you think, time for another …?”