Thursday, February 27, 2014

It Hurts Badly

Don't hurt me.

We are all equipped with many gifts - gifts provided to us by Gods, genetic heritage, blue smelling higher energy. Or whatever. Most of them are beautiful – ability to see, smell, touch, taste, love, laugh, talk, walk – however, the gift of stupidity – why this one?

a) to save us from going crazy
b) to truly appreciate rare sane moments
c) to accept this thing called life more easily
d) just weird sense of humor of Gods ...

The other day I tried to do some arithmetic. If I would get for every brilliantly stupid decision I did in my life a modest sum of cash, let's say 100 EUR – well, I think by now I could buy a medium size country or even afford myself a pizza every day.
Then I started to ask myself why I am sometimes (no, not always, usually just in the early afternoons) so stupid. Has it something to do with the shape of my nose, color of my motorbike, color of my skin, my bank account, the way I can wiggle my toes, my position in the company …?
No, not really. More with the performance of the gray matter between my ears.

Amazing phenomena is also distribution of stupidity. There is plenty, plenty, plenty of stupidity around me. Really amazing is, I got the smallest portion of it. Most of the people surrounding me got much bigger portion of this gift.
If I extrapolate this observation, this fact is probably true also in your case … Did you notice that many people you are interacting with are much more stupid than you?
Hmm … something in this equation doesn't compute ...

And here comes the horrible news for all the various kinds of racists.
This gray substance is exactly the same all over the world.
If you can not swallow this fact, ask your favorite lobotomy specialist if he happened to find anything different in your skull.

Breathe out. Breathe in. Relax. You are brilliant. I am brilliant. We are all the children of the Wisdom incarnated.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Wreck Diving Specialty Course

There's no wreck as a wrecked diving certificates seller

As demand for user friendly “Wreck Diving Course” is increasing, we devised a six clicks, one credit card online course for you. For all of you who would like to wreak utter havoc amidst lesser divers.
Requirements to get certified are:

a) your valid credit card
b) correct PIN code
c) internet access
d) click on Yes, I listened to “Smoke on the Water, Fire in the Sky” by Deep Purple

We are fully aware that some less reputable diving agencies offer faster ways to achieve this outstanding recognition in diving community.
However, as we always put your safety on the top, our educational and quality control departments insisted on including also requirement d.
As bean counters department members started to foam, we decided that your certification card will be processed also in case if you do not meet standard described in step d. In this case your c-card will differ from fully trained Wreck Diver. Specialty name will be printed in 0.01 millimeter smaller font size.

Why we highly recommend you do the full program?
Steps a, b and c are declared and approved as “Absolute minimum anti-decompression sickness risk training program” and are at the same time extremely beneficial for our fat accounts.
Our Department for “Elimination of Dive Related Injuries During Training” invented a fail-safe procedure for Wreck Diving Training. While conducting practical part of the course – following the opening riffs of “Smoke on the water, fire in the sky” Deep Purple will safely take you through all the needed steps.
If you are tempted (maybe due to too high decibel level of the presentation) to use sea to sea missiles to wreak havoc and create some wrecks on your own, without a mandatory buddy – you need a Tec Wreck Diving License. This one requires black credit card.

If you liked this, you will be probably interested also in our online Shower Diver Specialty, Dry Diver Specialty and Extreme Hydrophobic Diver Specialty courses.
As long as your bank doesn't block your credit card you are warmly welcome!

Safe clicking and clear wi-fi signal!

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Complaining Nation

Balinese philosopher and meditation guru
discovers arak bottle is empty

Have you ever heard anybody complaining about anything?

a) too often
b) on every corner
c) even at work
d) shut up and listen to my complaints first!

Complaining is the one activity without a trace of discrimination. Regardless of nationality, religion, color of underwear, political beliefs, sexual preferences, literacy, IQ, number of pancakes you can eat – complaining seems to be the number one hobby for humans.

For a while I thought complaining about something means we want it to be different, so we could enjoy our life. I think I couldn't be more wrong.
We enjoy in complaining itself, and not in changing anything.
Complaining for complaining sake.

You think I should change the substances I'm on? It's just good Bali coffee …

Correct me if I'm wrong:

Bloody rain, it will never stop!
You get clear sky, hot sun.
It's unbearably hot, I can not afford air conditioning, when this will end?!

I feel miserable, I desperately need a lover!
Here is a loving partner for you.
Yeah, great! Getting really boring, I miss my old friends ...

Everybody can go for holidays except me, I'll die here!
You are in Bali.
I'm so far from my home! Take me home!

If I don't get a different job I'll go crazy with my coworkers!
A new job.
Where did they find all this weird people to be in our office?!

I want to see some snow! Will it ever start snowing?!
White fairy tale is here.
Am I a slave? Shoveling the snow is for convicted war criminals!

I have to stop writing, I'll step out and complain a little …

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Safety Stop Recommended

Not for me, I'm a free diving mermaid :)

Especially when pushing the envelope, when diving on Thursday or when you have no other important obligations, major fun providing associations recommend a safety stop at five meters of depth for a few minutes. What is this ubiquitous safety stop anyhow?

a) time you allow yourself to slowly out-gas some nitrogen before returning to the surface
b) a good tool to slow down your ascent rate at least for the last part of your dive
c) a good tool to test your buoyancy skills and improve them
d) time to choose the best opening line for a snorkeling mermaid

This question and provided answers are just a generator of a smile for divers. All this is lectured, explained and done so many times by any scuba instructor teaching basic scuba courses, that it's as clear as a Swarowski crystal to any diver.
Yeah, I wish.

As I am not exactly the most trusting soul on this planet, I always direct conversations with our divers towards diving related subjects. To get better idea what they know, how they understand basic principles of scuba diving, do they need some remedy of their knowledge …
Could be scuba diving theory is evolving too fast for me (and I missed the newest break-through in this field), or (God forbid!) naive owners of scuba diving plastic certificates were not appointed as divers during their Open Water Scuba Courses but rather as a bonus during their Gypsy fortune teller session - for a modest surcharge.

Some of the answers provided by holders of scuba diving certificates nicely illustrate the state scuba diving education achieved.

Safety stop will prevent water entering my mouth.
Safety stop we should do before every dive.
If you do not do safety stop, you can hit into a diver in front of you.
If you run out of air, safety stop will save you.
We have to do safety stop any time we lose our weight belts.
Never do a stop! The most important rule in scuba diving is never, ever stop diving.

And so on …

Authors of the answers:
Fluent in English, recently (not more than six months ago) scuba certified, bright, adult (over 18 years of age), well educated.

Their teachers:
Possibly a selection of the finest scuba educators.
Yes, possible, but not very likely.