Almost

Oops...

Can you remember any occasions you used this word?
 

Starting with “a close call” meaning as in: I almost got swallowed by a pigmy sea horse, I almost forgot where my head is... and escalating into total failures on your timeline...
 

a) I almost survived the car crash (on a tombstone)

b) I almost got back to my ideal weight

c) I almost reached the rainbow

d) I almost quit smoking
 

And about 1.465.876.389 other occasions. Rather an impressive number of failures. That's what “almost” denotes, isn't it?

Sometimes this almost is highly undesired.

Patient almost survived a fantastic procedure of a brilliant surgeon...

A diver almost got his hand on a secure outcrop, however, as it happens...
 

How to stop feeling (deservedly) that you are developing into a perfect impersonation of a failure?
 

Eliminate all the “almost” accompanying you.

Aim your artillery lower.
 

As long as you are shooting at the stars (a to d and some others), your old cannonball will fly from one miss to another. Aim to something you are able to hit.
 

I will eat this delicious Sacher cake.

I won't do anything productive all day.

I will watch other people working their asses of.

I will show a mental finger to anybody telling me to start working.

I will not abuse and overheat my brain to try to understand the world.

And so on...
 

Almost no need for dreaded "almost" at achieving these goals :)

Job applications - scuba instructors

Pick me, I am so unique...

Without proper references, who the hell you think will employ you?

 

Of course you are a fabulous diver, a fantastic team player, willing to work 24/7, invaluable asset for any company, willing to work your ass off for peanuts, you are IT genius, you know all about diving and you are willing to learn more...

 

And yes, I am always impressed when I read your statements about your extensive divers data base. And willingness of both divers to follow you to your new place of work.

 

Great, but can you present verified documents clearly confirming that you meet at least basic requirements for this job:

a) you successfully managed Kindergarten for more than 3 years

b) you got decorated as a drill sergeant at Marine boot camp

c) you are direct descendant of Confucius and Mother Teresa

d) you know where to get the best ice cream

In a very unlikely event you are not able to produce these documents, you can keep your apple polishing job at insurance company.

Give me a break. It's no fun opening application after application with only one difference - your name.

I hope you got the point?
 

With a long list of "copy – paste" superlatives in your application you will not even get a reply. However, you may send a “Thank you” note to imbeciles advising you how to prepare a good C.V.

Don't look for a shoulder to cry on.

Better establish and test your values first.

Start working in diving business wherever you are.
Deadwood, South Dakota; outbacks of Paris, France; Scotland; Swiss Alps; rolling hills of Slovenia... Let know divers you are willing to share your expertise with them. You find divers everywhere (with possible exceptions of Tamanraset in Algeria and Nylam, Tibet).
Let them know how much you expect in compensation for your work!

You will pass or fail first reality check.

If successful, continue. Offer them a trip you will organize for them. Clearly state they will pay you for your work.

Again success? Repeat customers?

Continue.

Think about opening your own dive business or joining forces with an established one or answer to businesses looking for your services.

And in a while you will start receiving applications “I am a dream of every dive shop operator, you must hire me...”. And the circle is unbroken.

To dive or not to dive

Huh, what was the question...?

This subject is so gravely serious that I have to address it properly. Sarcasm, humor, a strong dose of cynicism, some facts and a gentle kick in the ass would maybe do the job.

Is it absolutely essential that every aqua-phobic human engages in scuba diving just because this activity is so in?

a) no

b) no

c) no

d) no

 

As the art of swallowing the sword is not exactly for everyone, also scuba diving is not exactly for everyone.

In a nutshell, if you want just to prove something with scuba diving, please, please, please! just find something else.

As I see scuba diving, this shouldn't be an exercise in survival. Flailing arms and legs may represent a freaked out Shiva on amphetamines in a theater, however, we are talking about diving here.

Eyes bigger than a mask somehow do not necessarily represent a person enjoying in a nice, tranquil activity.

Frantically grabbing for non existent handles under the water to climb and escape from terrible wet environment to safety of his or hers cave looks at the best of the times pathetic.

 

On the other hand, if you have a true desire, you would really like to experience something so far reserved only for gods, do it, immerse in the waters.

I enjoy being in the water with seasoned professionals, highly experienced divers or absolute beginners getting their first impressions of scuba diving.

You may be fearless, your anxiety may be elevated – as long as you soak in the beauty of diving I am your best friend.

If your first steps towards levitation are a little hesitant or awkward, I will guide you slowly and gently.

If you glide through the water as a lazy, dreamy piece of stardust, my soul will smile with you.

And from time to time, I will do some solo, meditation diving, for my soul and souls of all my friends :)

Dive briefing

Absolute attention to the instructor...

Dive briefings are extremely important for our dive safety and pleasure.

So, when I conduct my dive briefings:
 

a) divers are paying maximum attention

b) they are memorizing the crucial information

c) they are mesmerized by my eloquent explanation

d) and definitely not laughing their heads off
 

All true, very true - except...
 

As any story, also this one has some minor exceptions. When diving with a charming Chinese princess, things became a touch more sparkling...
 

 

First, I would like to make it clear, that at the moment this picture was taken:

I was not explaining to her that a 2 centimeter long and 3 millimeters thick translucent worm living on a gorgonia fan coral is definitely not trying to eat her.

Also I was not explaining that best part of chicken in banana leaf is inside the leaf, not the leaf itself.
 

So, what the heck caused this laughing outburst?!

As she nearly caused a heart attack to her fiancee with repeating the most feared sign deep down and activated my powers of The Dark Prince of Blue Waters to calm the situation, back on the boat I felt I had to explain to her some things again.

At the moment this photo was taken, I've been just explaining some possible critical situations under the water and the best ways to avoid or solve them...

My explanation was obviously right on the target, as after the outburst of laughter she simply declared, you will be my buddy on next dives and there will be no critical situations.
 

Looks like she deeply believes in ancient diving wisdom.
 

Every woman deserves a man who can make her laugh, who will take her deep down and safely back, who will know how to enjoy in her beautiful presence and will get her a good ice cream after diving.

Close Encounters

Hello...

Situation: you are deep down, watching a small flat worm, worming his way around. Depth 36 meters. Air pressure 170 bar, dropping. Remaining bottom time: critical. You look up and you are face to face (if you can call it a face) with an alien.

What you should do?

a) press ctrl+alt+del immediately

b) remove regulator and start chanting “Me friend, me friend, no enemy!”

c) hot-wire your Galileo computer into FB and post your last post

d) say “Hello, dear mother-in-law...”

I decided to ask this friendly cuttle fish, what was her perception of an encounter with a diver. Poor thing was in a state of total shock, so we had to wait for a while, until she was able to express herself.

 

Then she burst: “What a horrible thing!!! This ugly thing was holding a snake head in its mouth (regulator?) and waving its terrible tentacles (legs and arms?) and coming closer and closer!!! I will have nightmares for a while... How these grotesque creatures breed?! If they would come close to each other, they would start screaming in terror and not copulating... Must be wireless breeding...”

Looks like long, shapely legs, dreamy eyes and sweet smile can attract certain creatures and fill with ultimate horror another creature.

When traveling, especially to more exotic places, we experience a part of this xenophobia. Color of skin, cultural differences, habits, believes, shape of the nose, religions, perceptions... everything can be a little strange.

And what is strange to us we can translate into dangerous, hateful, to be eliminated. And here we go, brave, top positioned animals on the planet...

I try to work on lessening my xenophobia by working in one exotic place (Bali) and taking holidays in another exotic place (Slovenia). However, if I start screaming when you will wave your arms and try to hug me at our reunion, well, workshop positive results are still in process...:)

My diving history

It all started once upon a time...

As a nice girl really nicely remarked, this BCD speaks volumes about my age. Probably she meant experience. Who can blame these young things for improper use of the words...:)

However, the question is, how did it all start? And when?

a) as I've been never very savvy with technicalities, I asked for help my friend Leonardo

b) signor Da Vinci constructed an interesting apparatus

c) since then I've been testing, using and enjoying this device

d) and today you can see poor imitations all over the world

Even if my abused memory can not provide exact day and date of the first scuba attempts, I can say it's been probably a couple of Fridays back. Maybe even a touch longer?

However, in 20^th century they decided you need a license for practically any activity. For driving a car, flying a plane, double zero license to..., different license again for scuba diving, today probably taking a girl out for a dinner requires a license as well...

I would like to stress out my fantastic achievements, when qualifying for different recreational levels of scuba diving. I passed all the courses without killing, permanently disabling or putting in a nut house my overly stressed instructor.

During boring first few, shallow water training dives I tried to make it a little more interesting and I showed him my ability to perform a good solo, limited visibility dive in overhead environment. OK, it was not intended, it just happened.

He's been on the verge of freaking out, getting a heart attack, but somehow he made it. I heard him crying at nights and mumbling in his sleep “Don't do this!!!! No...!!!”

However, he managed to survive and sign all the needed applications... and I became an esteemed member of recreational scuba diving community.

What I've been doing in the name of scuba diving in Adriatic, Red Sea and some other spots remains classified for 99 years.

This fantastic start has been as a clear message from Poseidon to me. I am destined to be a professional diver.

As it frequently happens to ex-alcoholics, ex-insurance company directors, ex-mass murderers, ex-smokers and similar pillars of our society, that they become most fundamentalist preachers of the right ways, something similar happened to me.

As a professional diver I started a crusade against crazy, dangerous ways of diving.

My goal is rather simple and realistic. A piece of apfelstrudel...

To convert some careless divers  to do it more safely, to close down shitty dive joints, to convince big certifying agencies to stop issuing licenses as candies to people who never passed the basic standards for diving.

For more info visit me in one of my offices :)

Connected or alienated?

Purrring gurus

The worst fear of 21^st century.

Attacking tiger? No. Starvation to death? No. Falling from a height? No. Death? No.

Are we connected deeply enough? Aaahh! Truly fearsome! Oh, Lord, please, do not disconnect me...!

 

a) as long as you receive my electrons and I receive your electrons, yes, we are deeply connected

b) we are fantastically connected as long as the dark forces of evil do not kill internet

c) I love the shape of electrons you send to me

d) and you love the sound of electrons dropping on your screen

Not long ago I received a message in the email signature “Do you know that 93% of businesses are present on facebook, twitter, blogger...? Are you?”

I couldn't help myself not to add another fact about businesses and a question of my own.

“Do you know that only 7% of businesses are exceeding customers expectations...?

In which group is your business?”

Maybe you are wondering how it is possible for such an antediluvian diver as I am, to be present in virtual universe at all.

I would really like to take all the credit for the masterpieces published on Thursdays on this blog and occasional spark on FB. But credit to whom it's due.

As I am rather good at delegating jobs and tasks, I've been wise enough to ask my purrring gurus for some assistance. Believe me, without their help this bloody machines would already start their unsought flying lessons...

When mama guru Ficko looks at me with an expression “Are you out of your mind?!”, I just delete the last paragraph...

And when our chief guru Mazi decides to lay on a keyboard, it's a clear sign to switch off machinery, we go to bed and continue reading (purrring) a book...

And when I am toying with a new idea I just listen to their purrring...

A lot of good diving; delicious, spicy food; fascinating company from all the places in the world; reading books and sleeping with a furry guru; strong coffee in the morning – and I can cope even with virtual world :)