Dive briefing

Absolute attention to the instructor...

Dive briefings are extremely important for our dive safety and pleasure.

So, when I conduct my dive briefings:
 

a) divers are paying maximum attention

b) they are memorizing the crucial information

c) they are mesmerized by my eloquent explanation

d) and definitely not laughing their heads off
 

All true, very true - except...
 

As any story, also this one has some minor exceptions. When diving with a charming Chinese princess, things became a touch more sparkling...
 

 

First, I would like to make it clear, that at the moment this picture was taken:

I was not explaining to her that a 2 centimeter long and 3 millimeters thick translucent worm living on a gorgonia fan coral is definitely not trying to eat her.

Also I was not explaining that best part of chicken in banana leaf is inside the leaf, not the leaf itself.
 

So, what the heck caused this laughing outburst?!

As she nearly caused a heart attack to her fiancee with repeating the most feared sign deep down and activated my powers of The Dark Prince of Blue Waters to calm the situation, back on the boat I felt I had to explain to her some things again.

At the moment this photo was taken, I've been just explaining some possible critical situations under the water and the best ways to avoid or solve them...

My explanation was obviously right on the target, as after the outburst of laughter she simply declared, you will be my buddy on next dives and there will be no critical situations.
 

Looks like she deeply believes in ancient diving wisdom.
 

Every woman deserves a man who can make her laugh, who will take her deep down and safely back, who will know how to enjoy in her beautiful presence and will get her a good ice cream after diving.

Close Encounters

Hello...

Situation: you are deep down, watching a small flat worm, worming his way around. Depth 36 meters. Air pressure 170 bar, dropping. Remaining bottom time: critical. You look up and you are face to face (if you can call it a face) with an alien.

What you should do?

a) press ctrl+alt+del immediately

b) remove regulator and start chanting “Me friend, me friend, no enemy!”

c) hot-wire your Galileo computer into FB and post your last post

d) say “Hello, dear mother-in-law...”

I decided to ask this friendly cuttle fish, what was her perception of an encounter with a diver. Poor thing was in a state of total shock, so we had to wait for a while, until she was able to express herself.

 

Then she burst: “What a horrible thing!!! This ugly thing was holding a snake head in its mouth (regulator?) and waving its terrible tentacles (legs and arms?) and coming closer and closer!!! I will have nightmares for a while... How these grotesque creatures breed?! If they would come close to each other, they would start screaming in terror and not copulating... Must be wireless breeding...”

Looks like long, shapely legs, dreamy eyes and sweet smile can attract certain creatures and fill with ultimate horror another creature.

When traveling, especially to more exotic places, we experience a part of this xenophobia. Color of skin, cultural differences, habits, believes, shape of the nose, religions, perceptions... everything can be a little strange.

And what is strange to us we can translate into dangerous, hateful, to be eliminated. And here we go, brave, top positioned animals on the planet...

I try to work on lessening my xenophobia by working in one exotic place (Bali) and taking holidays in another exotic place (Slovenia). However, if I start screaming when you will wave your arms and try to hug me at our reunion, well, workshop positive results are still in process...:)

My diving history

It all started once upon a time...

As a nice girl really nicely remarked, this BCD speaks volumes about my age. Probably she meant experience. Who can blame these young things for improper use of the words...:)

However, the question is, how did it all start? And when?

a) as I've been never very savvy with technicalities, I asked for help my friend Leonardo

b) signor Da Vinci constructed an interesting apparatus

c) since then I've been testing, using and enjoying this device

d) and today you can see poor imitations all over the world

Even if my abused memory can not provide exact day and date of the first scuba attempts, I can say it's been probably a couple of Fridays back. Maybe even a touch longer?

However, in 20^th century they decided you need a license for practically any activity. For driving a car, flying a plane, double zero license to..., different license again for scuba diving, today probably taking a girl out for a dinner requires a license as well...

I would like to stress out my fantastic achievements, when qualifying for different recreational levels of scuba diving. I passed all the courses without killing, permanently disabling or putting in a nut house my overly stressed instructor.

During boring first few, shallow water training dives I tried to make it a little more interesting and I showed him my ability to perform a good solo, limited visibility dive in overhead environment. OK, it was not intended, it just happened.

He's been on the verge of freaking out, getting a heart attack, but somehow he made it. I heard him crying at nights and mumbling in his sleep “Don't do this!!!! No...!!!”

However, he managed to survive and sign all the needed applications... and I became an esteemed member of recreational scuba diving community.

What I've been doing in the name of scuba diving in Adriatic, Red Sea and some other spots remains classified for 99 years.

This fantastic start has been as a clear message from Poseidon to me. I am destined to be a professional diver.

As it frequently happens to ex-alcoholics, ex-insurance company directors, ex-mass murderers, ex-smokers and similar pillars of our society, that they become most fundamentalist preachers of the right ways, something similar happened to me.

As a professional diver I started a crusade against crazy, dangerous ways of diving.

My goal is rather simple and realistic. A piece of apfelstrudel...

To convert some careless divers  to do it more safely, to close down shitty dive joints, to convince big certifying agencies to stop issuing licenses as candies to people who never passed the basic standards for diving.

For more info visit me in one of my offices :)

Connected or alienated?

Purrring gurus

The worst fear of 21^st century.

Attacking tiger? No. Starvation to death? No. Falling from a height? No. Death? No.

Are we connected deeply enough? Aaahh! Truly fearsome! Oh, Lord, please, do not disconnect me...!

 

a) as long as you receive my electrons and I receive your electrons, yes, we are deeply connected

b) we are fantastically connected as long as the dark forces of evil do not kill internet

c) I love the shape of electrons you send to me

d) and you love the sound of electrons dropping on your screen

Not long ago I received a message in the email signature “Do you know that 93% of businesses are present on facebook, twitter, blogger...? Are you?”

I couldn't help myself not to add another fact about businesses and a question of my own.

“Do you know that only 7% of businesses are exceeding customers expectations...?

In which group is your business?”

Maybe you are wondering how it is possible for such an antediluvian diver as I am, to be present in virtual universe at all.

I would really like to take all the credit for the masterpieces published on Thursdays on this blog and occasional spark on FB. But credit to whom it's due.

As I am rather good at delegating jobs and tasks, I've been wise enough to ask my purrring gurus for some assistance. Believe me, without their help this bloody machines would already start their unsought flying lessons...

When mama guru Ficko looks at me with an expression “Are you out of your mind?!”, I just delete the last paragraph...

And when our chief guru Mazi decides to lay on a keyboard, it's a clear sign to switch off machinery, we go to bed and continue reading (purrring) a book...

And when I am toying with a new idea I just listen to their purrring...

A lot of good diving; delicious, spicy food; fascinating company from all the places in the world; reading books and sleeping with a furry guru; strong coffee in the morning – and I can cope even with virtual world :)

Bali and expectations

Eat your heart out, we are in Bali!

Why so many people are working their asses off throughout the year to afford themselves some exotic holidays?

a)      to impress their peers

b)      to solve the problems of the miserable life in three week vacation

c)      to absorb all the wisdom they missed so far

d)      or just to boost the pleasures of their lives a notch more

OK, as nobody (especially not me!) admits a, b or c are proper answers, so d is the answer.

Ad a) For instance, I would never do something just to impress somebody. Stupid! Really stupid! Probably, dear reader, you are much the same.

I would rather very casually remark in conversations: “Oh, this coffee is almost as good as at Costas’ in Doha…” or “This meal is close to Anka’s reunion feasts…”, or “Changi in Singapore is The Airport and not that “Schlamperei” in Frankfurt…”

Those who’ve been there and done that will nod approvingly; those poor devils who have never been anywhere or done anything will just stare at me, quasi God of trendsetting.

Yeah, here we go…:)

Ad b) If I manage to salt away a couple of thousands of Euros, change the climate, environment, everything…  yes! My problems will dissolve, my closest will really appreciate the effort and money I’ve put into this curing holidays. I will be understood, loved, respected by people I care about.

The only slight problem with this method is, it doesn’t work.

Ad c) I know wisdom is just waiting for me. Frankly, she is really anxious to embrace me!

With all the tasks from my job, family obligations, social obligations, there is just no opportunity for wisdom to get in touch with me.

Well, pure wisdom can choose to meet me (or not) when I am watching my maid cleaning the windows, when I am trying to make my rebellious computer to work again, while enjoying a delicious spicy meal or when I am meditating somewhere below the surface…

Ad d) I enjoy most if not all of the moments in my life.

From a walk in the rain to the empty waterfront, smell of fresh coffee during the break, a road trip with my friend on a weekend, shopping in a village store, hectic and amusing activity at work…

And to boost the feeling “Life is good…”, I just immerse into Bali way of life for a while…

Yeah, d should be the answer leading us to Bali or any other holiday destination :)

Just diving

Master Divers of Bali

This slightly faded photo is another proof that longer you dive, longer you live.

- combined age of our BCDs probably exceeding your age, dear reader
- combined number of dives a nice 5 digit number
- combined age of three of us would make Methuselah look like a baby
- combined pleasure of our diving together is..., well. not bad at all…:)

When the goal is pure, good diving advanced age is inconsequential.

When the goal is pure business, we come to some controversial concepts.

Is generation I (infants) our next target group for selling scuba pleasures?

a) if we extrapolate tendencies of some scuba diving training agencies, this is a solid fact
b) as every minute three hundred infants reach age of six months (suitable for an infant scuba course) it is a fantastic business opportunity
c) as every generation has shorter attention time span, generation G (Gold fish) has now maximum attention time span of 140 characters (on Twitter), we can reduce dive times even more with generation I – profits will soar like eagles…
d) or group F (Free Spirits) is our target group, be it young students, middle aged travelers, retired and still alive people...

As for many things in life there are at least two schools of thinking also on this subject.

A huge group of vultures in our line of business would jump to a, b and c answers as a starving hyena on a wounded antelope. Most of them have already sold their souls for a dollar, so they have to make another dollar somewhere else…

The other school of thinking would say “Go very, very gently on youngsters when offering SCUBA diving. Diving is really more a state of mind, than anything else, however, physiological consequences for still developing and growing body can be rather unpredictable and psychologically kids act very different from adults...

And who is more eligible to provide proper answers, medical experts or sellers of diving pleasures, is up to you to decide.

SCUBA diving shouldn’t become just another activity to brag about.

You simply do it.

For you.

SCUBA diving can temporarily beam you to another, much bigger part of our small earthly universe. Through levitation in the blue waters you absorb serenity, freedom, peace… and changes within you are subtle and yet very powerful.

Snorkeling in Bali

I feel good...

Is snorkeling a mortal sin?

a) as long as you are just warming up for some good scuba diving, no

b) as long as you do it between two scuba dives, no

c) as long as you look as meditative as this girl, no

d) as long as you don't try to speak into your snorkel, no

I sincerely hope you will not take this post as an attack on the snorkeling society.

I’ve been accused of being snorkeler-hater too many times. Can you believe, for all the wrong reasons...

Truth is, I love snorkelers.

Imagine July and August, with too many (at least for my taste) boats scattered around beautiful Menjangan island.

Divers in my group become a touch less enthusiastic at the thought of seeing more divers on a dive than fish. However, I carefully select a dive spot with a couple of boats already positioned there. No scuba tanks on these boats, just snorkeling gear. Other dive boats are avoiding this spot and looking at overpopulated spot as Dracula would look at garlic sauce.

All the happy snorkelers remain on the surface and in the midst of high season we disappear into the blue all on our own.

Thank you, unknown snorkelers!

And then, there is a special girl sometimes enjoying snorkeling in tropical Bali sea, sometimes in cold Arctic (or is it Adriatic?) sea, and with a mind-set and understanding of scuba diving any experienced diver would envy.

And there is a guy, who experienced rather stupid start of his scuba lessons and is a diver in his heart, but sticks to snorkeling.

And there is a number of our snorkeling guests, making our trips even more joyful and memorable.

And at the end of the day, there is always a hope for snorkelers to see the light.

And start scuba diving.