What is better than good diving?

Bali scuba diving

Some more diving.

And what makes scuba diving so good?

a)      total immersion

b)      your complete control

c)      amazing feeling of gliding through universe

d)     absolute freedom

All this. And more. And there is no contradiction in achieving absolute freedom through complete control…

This is a post for all of you who are divers at your heart.

Be it you are a beginner.

Be it you are a seasoned professional.

Be it you just dream about diving.

We do not immerse just our bodies below the surface, our minds are immersed in this soft velvet of waters.

We are aware of everything, we can feel the much more relaxed world that the one where we spend most of our days.

A brief glance at our instruments, adjustment with a touch of our fingertips – and we levitate in blue. And this blue relaxation is soaking into us.

Movement is smooth. There are not many other experiences as astonishing that nature can offer to us. Vibrant colors. Absence of colors. Serenity.

No everyday tasks, demands, decisions, confirmations… are present. Just you, your trusted buddy and pure freedom.

I do not offer courses for these incredible pleasures of diving. All I do is open the door for you. And it is up to you to enter. :)

Would you buy a tourist in Bali?

Our taxi driver is sooo sweet...

If you are running a really lousy tourist business and tourists are running away from you maybe you are interested in buying some tourists to milk them.

For better understanding of the subject here is the paper obtained from Indonesian BTCSA

“Bali Tourist Catching & Selling Association”

Guidelines for Balinese taxi drivers, room boys, waiters, beach bums…

Availability, market, distribution, prices:

a)      avoid tourists that use common sense as it is very hard or impossible to trick them

b)      when you manage to catch some trusty tourists you should know which segment of market will offer you the highest price per tourist

c)      you can sell the same tourist over and over again – to a hotel, to a dive center…

d)     as a golden rule, the worst places will pay the most for your catch

Ad a) As a lot of people nowadays are able to read and to gather some unbiased information about their holiday destinations it’s becoming rather difficult to find naïve, trusting souls to catch and sell. Focus on a smaller group of half literate, wide eyed, bubble heads – they tend to believe anything you say.

Ad b) Small restaurants (warungs) will happily inflate their prices to share the profit with you, give you a free meal, however, this is not some serious income. Shitty dive traps will give you a touch better value for your catch, even better you can get from some hotels, sometimes you can make a fortune at art shops. Just imagine your tourist buys an artifact valued around 20 dollars for 300 dollars – well, you are looking at some serious fee…

Ad c) To sweeten your deal, you can sell the same tourist to various businesses. After a catch you have to establish trust with your tourist and you can sell him or her over and over again.

Ad d) If you are soft hearted you are not for this business. Don’t burden yourself with ideas how to sell your tourists to some decent businesses. You can not sell your catch to a decent business. They do not need to buy tourists. You have to go to the bottom. More lousy the business more they will pay to you.

Dear, valued members of our association!

Taxi drivers, room boys, waiters, beach bums, hawkers, gardeners…

Good hunting to all of you!

Tallyho!!!

PADI Bali




PADI Bali



What is required in Bali for a proverbial dive trap to upgrade it into a profitable PADI dive center?

a)      you have to find somebody who can spell PADI and will paint a logo for you

b)      employ at least one PADI gardener or a PADI room boy

c)      establish a network of “tourist-hunters”

d)     you must train your staff to exclaim: “We are PADI!”  when offering a bottle of PADI arak to your victims

Important question is why to bother with these strict regulations to run a PADI dive center. Does it pay off?

As they explained at the PADI Bali Business of Diving Academy (see photo above) it definitely makes sense to go through this demanding process.

1. Every year huge numbers of tourists wanting to dive are visiting the area.

2. These tourists demand a certain level of safety for all their activities.

3. The only way to sell your half broken equipment, dubious mixture in your tanks, dive guides without any diving education is to prove to the safety conscious tourists “We are PADI!”.

Here are basic guidelines and some help for those who are still in rice selling business and would like to change into striving diving business.

Ad a) When you are looking for an artist who will paint your PADI logo, just make sure he can spell it right.

Based on our in-depth researches Pady or Paddy doesn’t work with the same efficiency as PADI when conveying the message of safety and professionalism of your diving escapades.

Ad b) As you definitely can not afford to pay a diving professional to dive with your tourists (and in any case he would refuse to use your shitty equipment), you can get really cheap PADI professional gardeners or equivalent in your area. Whatever the guy’s qualifications are never, ever forget to add PADI in the front!

Ad c) Spread out the word you are paying top price for a delivered tourist and network of “tourist-hunters” will start working for you at hotels, on the roads, in the restaurants.

Remember economic laws!

Staff at the hotels, restaurants, taxi drivers… will sell their tourist catch always to the highest bidder. Keep your finger on the pulse of the current commission trends in your area.

Don’t forget that you have already more than a dozen PADIs like this only in Pemuteran village!

These marketing techniques also make some tourists extremely happy. “What a friendly waiter! He liked me so much, he used his own phone and asked his good friend to accept me for some PADI fun diving…”

Ad d) Arak in large bottles and English (or something relatively close to this language) dramatically increases the feeling of professionalism and safety.

Key words used on the boats are:

“No stress, you are on holiday; I am very, very PADI; you no breathe, I breathe you…”

What are you waiting for?!

Drop your street sweeping job.

Get into your own PADI diving business now!

Are you worried that real PADI (Professional Association of Diving Instructors) responsible for South East Asia will go after you with fire and sword for stealing their intellectual property, misleading divers, misrepresenting, giving a really bad name to PADI, exposing PADI to lawsuits for accidents caused by PADI centers…?

No stress!

Last PADI representative who started to clear this dangerous mess has been promoted out of the country some time ago.

Expatriates in Bali

The man who invented Bali

How we can recognize a seasoned expatriate in Bali?

a)      he is projecting an image of a guy who invented electricity, rice and corals

b)      his ego is so overinflated that guy is floating 10 cm above the ground

c)      his Indonesian is so heavily accented nobody understands it, but in front of the peers he will stick to Indonesian

d)     he is not just convinced, he is the centre of the Universe

Are we, expatriates of Bali, all the same?

Definitely not!

I wouldn’t like to be compared to a guy who started a hotel in Pemuteran, invented electricity and brought the light to poor natives…

Or to a lady who on her own bombed the beaches here and invented “eco breaking and replanting method” for building of private coral reefs. Or something like that…

Or a guy suffering severe hydrophobia and yet day after day fighting the dangers of the sea, exploring, discovering and creating new tourist destinations, all for the benefit of humanity…

Here is my humble story, a story of a man who eats his humble pie for breakfast, lunch and dinner…

When I started business here, there was nothing yet in Pemuteran, except me… Shit, shit, shit! Wrong…

I’ve been the only educator and guiding light for the desperate local population… Shit, shit, shit! Wrong…

I’ve helped to put the village on a tourist map and make it prosperous… Shit, shit, shit! Wrong…

My divine presence made them the happiest community in the world… Shit, shit, shit! Wrong…

……………………………………….

Sorry for a delay. I’ve been intensely searching for at least one humble fact from my history.  No results found.

Probably I have the same problems as Atila the Hun, when he wanted to start preparing his humble C.V. when applying for a job as a social worker “I’ve been born to a poor, yet honest family of…”

All this may sound hilarious, however, there are some strong seeds of this mentality in each of us, seasoned expatriates in Bali. And a rather good remedy for this pathetic state of mind is to buy ice cream for all, sit down with our staff, have some good laughs – and enjoy the good life :)

Pleasures of diving business

Red-taping into Bali sunset

What drives some people to abandon their lucrative sinecures and start working in diving industry?

a)      zillions of paper tasks you are allowed to do

b)      solving “Mission Impossible” tasks on daily basis

c)      freedom to say: “To hell with weekends, public and religious holidays! I can work seven days a week!”

d)     or is it fantastic dives you do and fascinating people you meet

Anybody with IQ just slightly above room temperature would jump to the answer d.

However, answer d comes only in a package. Package consists of answers a, b, c and d.

As it is, most of the things we envy to our “betters” are package deals as well.

A new Toyota Land Cruiser taking the owner to his mountain resort – a dream life…

Do you see hips of shit served by his boss he has to eat with a smile on his face?

Are you aware of the huge portion of his life thrown away on moronic meetings?

This and much more is the price he has to pay to drive his shiny toy into the sunset.

A cute, fabulously looking young thing passionately enjoying the ugly presence of an older guy?

Do you see the bills he has to pay?

Do you hear her moaning in the evenings: “Oh, my headache…”

You can think of anything you envy and if you look below the surface you will see the package deal. Maybe it’s not so rewarding a deal anymore.

As one of my students in my previous life said: “Think twice before you make a wish.”

Another very important aspect is, can you become affluent in diving business?

You have about the same chances as in any other business.

As long as you are craving for a bigger plot of land that the one you have, for a fancier car that the one you are driving, for a more luxurious mistress… you will not be affluent despite your earnings.

Affluent means you are happy with what you already have :)

Magnetism of Bali

Elderly lady diving

What makes Bali so attractive people are coming back over and over and over again?

And some worst cases even stay here...

1. pristine, secluded white beaches with dancing young girls or boys (depending on your preferences) serving mysterious tropical cocktails to blessed tourists
2. vast tropical jungles teeming with wildlife and with unobtrusive huts for spa for tired explorers
3. quiet, remote villages, waiting to be discovered and villagers living their lives in a hope you will some day found a way to their humble homes
4. temples and ceremonies that can absolve you of all your sins

Well, close, yet not really close.

Matter of fact, totally wrong answers.

Rough, high volcanic mountains give a mark also to Bali beaches. Black, rugged stones, dark pebbles, dark gray sand – not exactly the picture from a commercial for a new credit card…

Small and overpopulated island of Bali can not offer much in terms of huge preserved natural sanctuaries, one of the last not endangered wildlife species (drunk Australians) you can see on streets of Kuta.

Quiet villages? Well, in a country where men strongly believe they can cure impotency by driving as loud a motorbike as they can get their hands on you can not expect to find a real peaceful village :)

Do you need an absolution from your sins? Your sins are a part of you. You are loved (or hated) for your virtues and for your sins.

But the fact remains.

We are still drawn to this wild, loud, rough, strong, passionate… magical island.

From where its charm, charisma, magnetism is coming?

Same as for humans it’s not necessarily derivation of youth, cuteness, superficial good looks…

It usually comes from the inner essence.

And this attraction will feel as a heavy chain if you try to resist it and as a gentle embrace if you accept it.

Are you a diver?

A journey into the blue

In a very unlikely event, you would have to answer no, I am not a diver, what message you are sending to your social environment?

a)      I am a homeless, jobless bum and I can not afford diving

b)      it’s beyond my abilities to understand – open the valve, breathe in, breath out, press this button – I don’t get it

c)      I do engage in several outdoor activities, I am surfing the net for hours every day, however, to strap on SCUBA gear and swim – that is way to much

d)     well, I am a looser

These are the images sellers of mobile phones, soft drinks, travels, cars, diving services etc are trying to trigger (usually successfully) in your minds.

And, as you have some money, good brain, you are physically fit and definitely not a looser, you will prove it by doing what you are expected to do.

As much as I love diving I hate the wrong marketing techniques aimed to spread diving even among the people who simply do not have any interest in this activity.

If you are a little hesitant whether to try your first dive in your life or not – great! We will start slowly, gently, you will be safely introduced to a new experience.

If you decide time is not yet ripe for this – enjoy some snorkeling and fruit cocktails on the beach, also an excellent choice.

If you are diving already for a while and want another dose of pleasure – perfect.

Just never use the diving to prove something or to impress somebody.

If you are a decent citizen you have so many other ways available to follow the path of multinational brainwashers (oops, marketing departments). Just buy a newly advertised toy and you will be a respected member of the system.

And we can keep SCUBA diving for our pleasure, new sensations, new experiences, as a reward and not as a task we have to accomplish.