Thursday, February 28, 2013

Celebrities diving in Bali

Dedicated to you

If you are expecting names and revealing photos of celebrities diving with us (Hollywood movie director, rock musician, infamous Petra K., top fashion photographer, controversial writer etc.) you can click something else on your screen. It's hard to believe, but they come here to enjoy, not to entertain you (or me). Privacy?
However, we'll try to get the answer to the following:
If you are at the moment a celebrity only within your home village, but somehow you are not yet a global celebrity, what can be the reason?
a) your C.V. lacks confirmation “been diving with Easy Divers”
b) you never had fried bananas with honey at Suki's
c) you are still on our waiting list
d) you are not a diver
In case you found one, two, three or even all four reasons for your obscurity and general misery, maybe, just maybe, we can help you out. Just send your humble plea for booking with us to our Customer Service Department in Utar Pradesh, India. Girls working there (for a dollar and half per day) are salivating to answer all your requests.
Compared to the price of a typical workshop “Raising your self-esteem for 6 inches”, diving with us will cost you less and effect will be the same or better.
In case somebody missed it, self esteem and general feeling of being good we can not improve by trying to impress others.
However, whenever I impress myself by doing something at least half decent, the goal is achieved.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Breakfast with Genghis Khan

Wherever you are. Whatever you do.

Good diving holidays are not exactly the same thing as tea bag diving (put your gear on, submerge, get out of the water, pay, go) and sometimes it's prudent to expect some unexpected things to happen. You may meet people that you would never met at your office, you may decide for reunions later on...
What you should pay attention to?
a) that you are not desperately looking for solutions to all your problems
b) that you do not take life too seriously
c) that you put nice things up front and depressing things on a back burner
d) that you are not late for next day dive trip
Diving holidays can fill your mind and heart with rainbow that can last (literary) for ages. Or they can be just another fashionable waste of time and money.
Basically the very same thing that's happening to our lives...
Probably you already noticed that different pubs, clubs, gatherings attract rather different type of people. And you developed preferences which you like, which you tolerate and which you do not like at all.
Same goes for diving centers.
Beside selecting a dive shop where at least somebody knows a few basic things about scuba diving (not an easy task in Pemuteran area), it really makes sense to figure out which one will offer you what you are looking for. Good diving, good company...
Which dive center is the best?
As two dive shops are not breathing the same philosophy, as two divers are not the same, I have no final answer for you.
If we are excellent for some, it doesn't mean we are excellent for everybody.
Really good news:
So far none of our divers complained that after having a great diving holidays with us, meeting a soul mate on dive trips, spending some beautiful time in our village – has ended with a “Breakfast with Genghis Kan...”
I like to take my breakfasts on my own.

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Are you rich?

Gold encrusted pearls, sweet rainbow, treasures all around me...

First try to figure out what being rich means?
a) amount of cash big enough that you have serious problem to spell the figure correctly
b) property so big that tax people are getting multiple orgasms by just thinking about taxing it
c) more expensive cars in your stable that neighbor can afford
d) credit card so black, that you can buy happiness with it
This one is really simple. All answers are correct. Every idiot knows this. Stress in the last sentence is on a second word.
Many tried this way. Many are trying right now.
Rate of success: zero.
Somehow it just doesn't work.
Am I disgusted by money, by property? Am I the leading guru of the “Poverty Is My Heaven” cult?
Not exactly.
I am not working for peanuts.
But I do not tend to salivate over accumulated euros, dollars...
They make my days comfortable.
I can take you for the best “kremschnitte”, without worrying if I will have to wash dishes as I can not pay the bill.
But there is no price tag on sparks in your eyes and heart. If I'm really rich I can turn them on. And your smile. And your...
Being rich (or for that matter happy, sad, troubled, miserable, ecstatic...) is not a number.
It's a state of mind.
When I don't crave for something out of my reach but I am full of cravings for what I have.
Good, old music; trusted books; cats ruling the Winter Castle; biting your shoulder; walks that lead to destinations or to no destination; pasta with basilica sauce; laces and ...; switched off plasma TV; burning logs telling their tales...

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Discounts (unarmed robberies)

Lowest possible offer is the best.
Book now!

Bali accommodation, scuba diving, foot massage and heart surgery at lowest prices!
Tempting? Irresistible? Go for it?
You think it takes a serious full time idiot to fall for something like this? I don't think so. An average brain-washed consumer will happily go for it.
And before you declare me crazy, verruckte, out of my mind..., take a brief look at the world around you.
Just think over this definitely demented scenario:
Upon meeting a seemingly well-off stranger, he says:
“Would you mind paying a part of my bill?
True, I don't know you, we've just met, but you should understand I don't want to spend my money for the service or product I want. I would prefer to spend your money for my pleasures, you know.
So, probably you will foot at least a part of my bill.”
What would your reaction at a request like this be?
a) would you mind changing your shrink, moron!
b) bloody fashionably dressed beggar, take a hike!
c) are you asking for a kick in the ass to restart you?!
d) oh, yes, of course, how much would you need exactly...
As insane as it may sound, but answer d is most frequent nowadays.
No, not only at business transactions patients at funny farms conduct, also in some other areas. Practically in every segment of “how-to-fuck-consumer business”.
Trend started when businesses figured out how easy is to trick customers into illusion that value for money and price are synonyms. And customers are salivating when buying foul smelling shit at discounted price.
Price: 115
To grow a beautiful, fragrant, deep red rose costs 100. Price includes bread and butter for all involved in the process. And after including a spoonful of jam for the business owner, price for customer is 115.
This rose will make you happy when you see it, smell it, remember it...
Price: 69
To get a piece of shit on a stick costs 3. Price includes a handful of rice for all involved in the process. And after including a medium size warehouse of jam for the business owner, price for customer is only 69.
And a flower is a flower. If your ungrateful partner will stick it up your ass, well, call it collateral damage.
Service sector is same excellent for this strategy.
Imagine you are running an insurance company. If you intend to pay the claims as they arise, you will have to charge serious premiums to your clients.
If you run new age “competitive pricing” insurance company you can lower your rates as much as the market “demands”. Of course, your base policy is, you will reject all the claims and fine print in your contracts is sufficient for a rewrite of “War and Peace”...
It's rather clear what kind of business can afford to offer discounts, special offers, bottom prices etc...
Who is fucked over and who is getting fat in this perverse “competitive pricing” economy is not so difficult to figure out.
Or is it?