Merry, Merry, Merry-go-round ...

Bubbles... bubbly...babble...

In a very unlikely case anybody is still able to read in these high-octane, very liquid times, he or she must be:

a) a Buddhist monk in his wi-fi equipped cell
b) a convict for latest mass murders waiting for a chair
c) a vegetarian
d) crazy as me

As none of those suspects need any extra wisdom-based input, this post will be a touch shorter.
That's it, for this year.

A Clandestine Taliban Cell in Bali

Police officer Mr. Younoseeme file photo

Undercover law and fun enforcer, Mr. Younoseeme, tracked down vicious and seriously mentally challenged fraction of Taliban retards in Bali, in the village of Pemuteran.
What are they doing there?

a) their goal is to bomb the shit out of Christian holidays
b) as they are too stupid to figure out on what date the holidays are they bomb for days and days
c) during breaks they scratch their private parts and lick their fingers
d) firecrackers they buy from local explosive dealers Toko Suki and Toko Serbu

All of the eight tourists in Pemuteran, remaining last six Hindus and a couple of expatriates were pleading for some action against hordes of psychos.

Special law enforcement forces captured one perpetrator and exposed him to extreme interrogation. However, as their vigilance and haste didn't match their brain department capabilities, they unfortunately forgot to ask him questions and poor terrorist died without revealing any substantial information.

While still at large, the rest of not very brave, but sufficiently boneheaded warriors for louder and more stupid world decided to hire a lawyer.
Prominent Taliban lawyer Mr. Bombthemall explained his sweet, lovely, innocent group of morons is only expressing support to the Indonesian government, namely to the president Mr. Y. Bambang. When announcing bam! bang!! bam!!! bang!!! they are expressing their gratitude and loyalty to him.
Chief of police Mr. Deeppoket was torn between how to stop the illegal use of explosives on one hand and not to break the ovations to the beloved president on the other hand.
As an upstanding official he did the best for both involved parties – he collected donations from all and retired.

Lawyer representing the peace loving group, Mr. Flowerpower answered: “I love you too”, and continued with composing a fatwa.

Remaining Hindus, tourists and expats signed the fatwa on all of the noise-makers.
You want your million?
Catch a terrorist, tear his head off, piss down his throat and post a video on you tube.
Since the fatwa is out, one way tickets from Bali to Afghanistan are sold out.

P.S. If you got the feeling there is no love lost between firecrackers throwing imbeciles and me – trust your feeling.

P.P.S. If you have similar Taliban problems in December at your home, feel free to use our fatwa.

 

Soothing Sounds of Bali

You cut the cables and this thing is OK.

Idyllic island of Bali and esoteric people of Bali can make you feel in heaven also with their approach to music.
There is a subtle difference between majority of Balinese and a minority of mostly young Balinese. This minority has just a little different ideas of heaven, music, inner peace etc. Their type of heaven you would gladly accept:

a) if heaven is for you a concert of mentally handicapped blacksmiths
b) if you are medically approved as a 100% retard
c) if you can not hear an F-16 overshooting 10 meters above your head
d) if you are already seriously brain-damaged from rave parties

Sound of a piano, soft vocal, mingling with ocean waves or golden silence spiced with some whispers from the leaves dancing in an ocean breeze – all this is about same appealing to a globalized young Balinese as garlic is to Dracula. Reason is simple. All this can make you enjoy the pleasures of your life, be at one with people surrounding you, with yourself. You can start thinking, daydreaming, creating – and this is a mortal sin for idiots.

Younger generation of Balinese strives to become brain-free as much as it is humanly possible. And what is better to suppress your brain from working then to overload them with absolute noise? More boom boom boom units you put into your head, more effective. So sub-woofers are rather essential for their brain-damaging meditations.
In combination with a big enough doses of methyl alcohol (part of their local concoctions) results are amazing.
Matter of fact, lobotomy brings the same results, however, it's still too expensive.

A young guy in our village started to use a rather innovative approach. After a solid input of doomsday sounds and enough methyl alcohol, he starts collecting cow excrement, mix it with a raw egg – and after devouring this, he claims he is in heaven.
I just hope they will never hear explanation what word “stoned” means. As there are so many volcanic stones in Bali – on the other hand, seeing them when they start to hit themselves in foreheads with the stones …

Dear innocent victims of collateral damage (passers-by, tourists, neighbors), please keep on mind these poor lowlifes are just amplifying their desperate cry:

“Is there anybody, anybody at all, who would like me or care about me?!”
Sorry to inform you, the answer is: “Nobody.” And I counted several times.

 

A Diver.

A friend. A diver. A chili eater.

In times when bean counters, ambulance chasers and second-hand car sellers start to govern the scuba world, it's the time for a real scuba addict to emerge.
Do you know this guy from somewhere?

a) a carpenter you hired some time ago
b) your soul auditor
c) your neighbor
d) the guy who told you “Go diving and sin no more.”

Whatever. The fact is, he's an old school diver and as the rest of this bunch, clean as a whistle, straight as an arrow and of course from time to time he has to pay the price for this. As for instance after a meeting with a notorious gang of pushers selling scuba diving certification cards, T-shirts and diplomas – OK, he looks a bit haggard, slightly damaged, but his message to the pushers is clear – piss off.

For this guy, diving is diving. Period. Full stop.

He is bearing the weight of his scuba gear with dignity, whenever his primary tank is empty he opens the second tank valve, he will change regulator only for a regulator, BCD for a BCD …
If I got him correctly, his final statement at the meeting: “Bless you that understand me, and spit on you which despitefully use me”, earned him this beautiful crown.

How come you don't know this guy from Oprah's show? Well, somehow it's not in his nature to sit on a couch and explain to millions of blessedly mentally challenged intellectuals what body lotion he uses after being whipped with thorns.

What his Hollywood and the Village friends think of him? They hate his guts for what he is and for what he isn't.

What CEOs of major Fortune 500 companies think of him? Nothing. As they can not get their minds out of an endless loop “How to fuck each other ...”.

What Dalai Lama thinks of him? “Why he's always so late coming for tea?!”

What I think of him? “Buddy, what do you think, time for another …?”

Some like it crowded

Stampeding from the cradle towards the grave.

Not just in Bali, but anywhere you are, you can go with the flow, you can follow the herd or if you don't feel the direction is right, you may turn left. Sounds simple enough, but how come it's so difficult to go your own way?

a) being a part of stampeding herd gives you strength
b) screaming same war cries with friends, coworkers, with any crowd gives you strength
c) getting confirmations from unknown and known people gives you strength
d) you walk (drive, dance, love, joke, meditate …) your road alone and discover (or not) your own strength

As every cat needs a soft pillow, every human needs company.
I have never met a cat stupid enough to go to pillow shop and try to get a pillow there. Despite the fact that they offer 12.453 different pillows – even soft pink pillows. But I've met quite some cats exploring my homes, carefully deciding, choosing and usually opting for my pillow to nap on …

Human superior nature is a little more mysterious – we tend to believe quantity and quality are synonyms.
Being part of the herd is same as not being alone.

We all have dozens and dozens and dozens of contacts, in our phone-books, email contacts, e-contacts of any variety. Quantity part of our potential company is confirmed.
However, if we try to select persons for whom we could say “Any given time they would call me for a walk or coffee, I would be really happy” we hit the reality check. Oops, the number is now shrinking as soft snow in Sahara desert. And if we add a question who of the remaining few on our list would actually remember to call us for a walk or anything?
Yes, there is really no need for snowplough in Sahara …

A rather common human goal to be uniquely the same with the uniform herd is a beautiful oxymoron, that describes human nature more accurately than five volumes of problematic Freud.

It's just a matter of selecting a herd most suitable for us.
If your bank will not crucify you, you can join a herd of “We have”. A new whatever. Piece of furniture, piece of land, tea-spoon, touch me gently mobile device, car, chewing gum … Just be very casual when mentioning your latest achievements and try to listen to bragging of your colleagues in the herd – if for no other reason to eat them alive when they leave.
If the bank or person providing you with funds seriously disagree with this solution, there are several other herds out there. All offering guaranteed uniqueness and being one with the herd.

Basic rules to join any of those are:
- tell herd members they are all absolutely unique and fantastic
- accept their evaluations that you are exactly the same as them – unique and fantastic
- master how to show a pitying expression to poor creatures who do not recognize these facts

This works well anywhere – from coffee shop chats, facebook, esoteric groups and subgroups, retired apple polishers, wannabe rocket scientist ...

There is just one nasty deficiency with this solutions. You can not experience more loneliness anywhere else than in the crowds.

If you are really weird, maybe you will think it's more likely two souls will connect on a lonely road.
A nun, just strolling and looking for nothing and a ronin aimlessly walking the same road.

Scuba diving and red tape

Superhuman patience and efficiency

As a next scuba addict, I'm also deeply and passionately in love with all the red tape imposed on dive business. Paperwork fulfills my secret dreams. Sometimes it almost make me come. Come to the verge of absolute violence – not something else (you and your dirty mind!).

Possible ways to get through required red tape without decapitating some government employed morons:

a) your organize all important paperwork in a huge, neat pile – and use your Zippo
b) for urgent e-notices you use delete button, paper varieties you sell for recycling
c) you sell all this shit on e-bay
d) you go diving and let somebody more capable to deal with this mess (Mazi the Cat and Jana the Patient)

My heart and soul is for a, b and c. And definitely for a good battle ax. For humanitarian reasons I allow my betters to deal with this – and I stick to scuba diving.

Maybe you are wondering why I start to think about the proper use of battle ax when government experts start questioning me about diving business related issues?
It's rather normal in order to decide to renew or not a business “license to operate”, that government institutions and ministries have to gather essential information about the dive business. And we have to provide it.
Yes, I agree.

However, when browsing through reports they demand, trying to find something even remotely related to scuba diving, well, it seems connections are so esoteric I can not grasp the meaning.

1. What kind of lunch you will offer to our expert team evaluating your business?
2. Business must be conducted in long trousers and long sleeves shirts with collar. How come you and your staff are in shorts and T-shirts, and some even in some rubber dress?
3. At our last visit you provided number for your telephone and email. Our staff could not reach you neither on phone number 012345678, nor your email number 1234@get-out-of-my-hair.com – are you solving the problem with Telkom Indonesia?
4. As a foreigner you probably do not understand situation in Bali very well. It's rather hot here. How do you plan to compensate us for this?
And so on to 194.

Maybe now it's more clear why I let solving the certain type of paperwork to Mazi the Cat and Jana the Patient. Our Indonesian licenses are in proper order, some chickens are sacrificed to prove our business is really a business, and I hum the verse from an old song “Jokers on my left, and clowns on my right ...”

Divemaster retraining tool

“Positive Behavior Tool”
Patent: A01M 19/0075

If you dive in South East Asia from time to time, you've probably already seen Divemasters behaving as Mengele going loose on Jews. Torturing, maiming, killing the marine life – just “following the orders from the boss and trying to please their valued customers”. If you confiscate their primary tools of destruction, they use their torches, cameras etc. to smash the life in ocean.
How to change their ways?

a) education is the king, the queen and the executor of this process
b) you need to get their attention to achieve anything
c) education without proper tools doesn't work
d) tools must be used properly

I started to reeducate them in a not very brilliant way. More accurate, I did it in rather inefficient and beautifully stupid way. I tried to explain to them that primary use of pliers is to pull old rusty nails from wood planks. And not to pull the nails from fingers. Stainless steel stick is a pointer and nothing else. Yeah, sure …
Working on diving retards painstakingly slow, step by step - and confiscating one instrument for torture after another – it's a never ending story.
Without a poking stick they put neoprene gloves on. After grabbing, breaking and killing a coral, their fingers are still intact and after a good dive they can still raise their arak bottles. Without gloves and stick they use a torch to remind underwater lesser life forms who is the master. Without a torch a camera to smash a harlequin shrimp …
Never ending process.

For all of you slightly tired of all the pleading and preaching, our new “Positive Behavior Tool” is available now.
At any attempt of torturing or killing you see, you just hit any part of the exposed body of offender with “Positive Behavior Tool” - and even hard core repetitive offenders change their ways – for good. Lowlifes will forget about their steel sticks, knives, black gloves and see the light instantly.
The tool is patented as a homeopathic educational tool.

Bali and global warming

Chill out - tropical nights in Bali

Conference on climate changes held in 2007 in Bali caused some serious changes also in mindsets of Balinese population. Especially shop owners. After deep contemplation of the papers presented at the conference in jet-set resort Nusa Dua, Bali they started to offer:

a) saunas
b) open fire places
c) central heating systems
d) bigger selection of warm clothes

As an average Western guy I thought, yeah, this Balinese are great for mixing everything up. So many proofs it will be warmer and warmer and even warmer – and poor guys are trying to sell me items more suitable for the inhabitants of the Norwegian woods...

And Earth saving participants of the conference did their best to prove their theories not only in theoretical department - in order to increase CO2 blanket they traveled from half a world to Bali by jet planes, to show how energy consumption will affect global warming, they used high power air conditioning all the time of their stay ...

After several other really successful global warming conferences (all held in places and at times when it's rather hot at the conference), we can all see their warnings come true.

However, as the time passes, I'm not anymore so sure of my understanding.
In tropical Bali we drink hot ginger tea to keep us warm...
My family and friends in Europe, decided this spring not to collect flowers and cut the grass, but to shovel the snow. In the end of October they started to look for snow gear again ...

As I like money as the next guy, I'm calling a conference on “Dangers of the New Ice Age”, in January, 2014 in Anchorage, Alaska.
If you want to save the planet (and my bank account) please donate now.

A good day to dive in

Easy Divers Bali - professional edition

As best things in life happen spontaneously, and spontaneity can be achieved only through careful planning and endless practice – some of us enjoyed the fruits of our labor during some fantastic days in late October.
What's been going on?

a) coded messages were sent and received
b) we started to gather
c) gear checked
d) diving

Seven days a week I'm in the water with experienced divers, absolute beginners, professionals, recreational divers, snorkelers (I really wouldn't know how it happened, but snorkelers are again mentioned last …) - simply trying to keep the flame of diving (as diving used to be) alive.
And I enjoy every minute of it.
But there are times when pleasure can be boosted to some new levels.

Gods of scuba diving were obviously satisfied with my crusade against all the dark forces trying to destroy the essence of true diving.

And they started to check in. True dive professionals. Different backgrounds. Different training organizations. A good number of dives under their weight belts. They came from Finland, Hawaii, Korea, Sweden, France, Canada, Slovenia, Germany, Texas – and a smiling recreational diver diving with us in these days was warmly embraced by all of us.
There was no need for bragging. No need to prove anything. No need to compete.
We've all been there, done that and got our fucking T-shirts to prove it.
Time for pure pleasures of diving.

Our divers Putu Sebudi and Putu Toya were exchanging roles as leaders of the groups, Jana was diving with a special couple of divers on a classified location, my role was a classic omnipresent gray shadow in blue waters (gray has nothing to do with the color of my beard).
It's been another confirmation for our Putus that enduring with me and my rules (which would make a marine boot camp look like a kindergarten in comparison) that what they learned, practiced and mastered definitely pays off.
Sincere praises from a bunch of hard core professionals – well, you can deserve and get them, no way you can buy them.

This post is a big, big thank you – to all of you, my brothers (OK, OK, girls, I'm already adding ... and sisters!) in arms.

Organic snorkeling in Bali

Don't copy! Just paste.

Latest Sutchy & Sutchy, Pemuteran creation hits visitors of our village straight between the eyes! Copywriter, infamous Ketut the Organic Brain, divulged the secret of the marketing success:

a) you need expert team to find out what tourists are looking for
b) you need a genius (Ketut the Organic Brain) to make your offer stand out
c) genius needs a portion of magic mushrooms to start creating
d) you need several buckets of water to revive fainted tourists under the sign

Whenever I say “I've seen it all...”, something like this hits me.

I asked Ketut, copywriter and owner of Sutchy & Sutchy, Pemuteran to tell me a bit more about his booming marketing agency.
He modestly said that it's been a rather easy project to figure out what tourists are willing to buy (you just check what neighbor is selling) – also to get accentuator for the service was not hard. Organic you can always sell at higher price, and Westerners get very soft when they hear or see this word.
Real hardship was how to convince his clients to pay for this stroke of genius.

He added an amazing fact.
For last couple of years my agency is getting more orders from local businesses than combined five world top marketing agencies. As this sounded really unbelievable I placed some calls to New York, Okefenokee and London. True!!! I added up all the orders these world class agencies got from Pemuteran businesses – obviously Sutchy & Sutchy, Pemuteran is absolute winner!

He admitted his path to the top was not easy. To dethrone long time king of advertising O'Giveme & Futher, Pemuteran, owned by Ketut the Special Brain was an epic battle of creative minds.

As both agencies use a proven philosophy “Don't change a winning horse” you can tell by subtle differences which business is using which agency.

Dive PADI Organic, Second-hand Cell Phones and Scuba Courses Special, Organic Koka Kola, Organic Sunrise Tour, Organic Massage, Funny PADI Divers Special, Classic Fried Rice Special, Organic Motorbike Rental …

Open Water Diving in swimming pool

And keep your hat on ...

As times are changing (or I'm getting nastier and nastier), I'm slightly fazed with some environments used nowadays to learn and do some good scuba diving. However, most certifying agencies still recommend we should include some degree of water in our training program.
For instance:

a) ocean or lakes
b) shower
c) bath tub
d) swimming pool

Sea and lakes are becoming options reserved for remaining few true hard-core divers. Lakes tend to be cold and murky – scary and not really friendly environment for learning to dive. Oceans are even more wild. Water is kind of salty, it tends to move you (waves, currents and who knows what else), many creatures in there are just waiting to scare you – not something a normal scuba diving student would want to expose himself or herself to.

As cravings for possession of a diving license are increasing also among normal population (not just among direct descendants of Jacques Cousteau) - industry responded.
After salivating and getting fits over prospects of generating more and more and even more income, some brave diving industry scuba gurus did some mental acrobatics and proved open water is open water is open water.

Either you open the faucet to take a shower or to fill a bathtub or to fill a swimming pool – in all the cases you can get wet, which is the last minimum standard to become certified as a diver. Prehistoric ideas, that open water you find in seas and lakes are slowly becoming obsolete.

Brave, new approach to scuba diving is really expanding diving business. How many people do you know who would willingly submerge themselves into hostile environment, armed only with a thin hope that they will survive the ordeal? And all they need / want is a diving certificate.
Not many.
However, if we start with Hollywood shower, after achieving certain goals there we move into exciting bath tub diving and finally relax in a swimming pool – well, this definitely is the way scuba diving learning should be!

In a very unlikely case, that a question about my sanity is hitting your brain cells, the answer is, thank you, my sanity is OK, I just went bananas a few years ago when I first got three autonomous divers (fully certified) who freaked out when exposed to horrors of warm, clear and calm sea. And each year I get more and more Open Water certified divers, who did all their training only in swimming pool – or was it a shower?

We (teacher and student on the photo), obviously did not properly use new age guidelines imposed by some instructors for Open Water training - we used the pool to discuss heavenly stupidity and greediness the world is rushing into. And a speed boat and clear, blue, deep waters of the ocean for open water immersions.

Diving safety in Bali

A typical manifestation of an après fun diving syndrome.
From “SCUBA Diving Anomalies”, Volume 3, Chapter XXII ~ Dusan Repic et al.

This post is for true brave-hearts only. All examples are just descriptions of events during this summer. Upon consideration I omitted a couple of the worst cases. Before reading the post check our guidelines for your safe reading!

a) consult your physician if your blood pressure and heart are adequate for ultimate terror
b) ask somebody to administer CPR in case you drop down when reading
c) if you start to uncontrollably shake or start to convulse stop reading immediately
d) if the world is becoming darker and darker, you are just fainting

All set? Good. We can immerse into activity sometimes described as “Diving is fun!”
Very true, especially in South East Asia, namely in North Bali.

How this usually starts?
Not very experienced fun divers, meaning not certified divers, run from one dive kiosk to another and compare the prices. When they find the cheapest offer, as adult, intelligent, safety conscious travelers they want to establish credibility and safety of the chosen outfit and their dive leader.
They very seriously ask the guy: “Are you PADI? A professional? Very safe?”, and as he very seriously answers: “Yes, I am very PADI, very professional, and very safe!”, fun starts.

For experience programs , such as scuba funny diving for not yet trained divers, they put on a boat between 4 to 12 tourists, take them to a blue water dive spot, get them in full scuba gear, blissfully without any instructions how to use it and what scuba diving is about, and unceremoniously drop them in the water.
Their very professional leader (yes, one is enough for the group) already knows where to put his regulator – which definitely makes him a dive professional.

Now the scene turns into full action thriller.
Every meter deeper the fun and adrenaline searchers descend more, more frantic their struggle is. Pain in the ears is becoming unbearable. Water in the nose, salty and bitter taste in the mouth (from sea water and extreme fear), no chance to breathe, slowly suffocating under the surface - a horrible way to go. No way to see the sun again. They would exchange their loved ones for one deep breath of plain, good fresh air. No help for abandoned souls. Legs and arms are flailing wildly. Eyes bulging. When they struggle to the surface and see any boat close enough to grab it for some support, real fun starts.
They try to climb aboard in full scuba gear with their fins still on. And fall back in water. And repeat. And repeat. When their faces are out of the water you can hear moans and pleas “Get me out of the water...”.

When boat drivers, helpers and snorkelers drag them on the boat, is usually the time when their benevolent instructor (AKA snorkel master, AKA full-time idiot) appears and proclaims: “Yeah, that was funny ...”.

Sponsors of extreme tourism on a shoestring in Bali are not available for comment. They are in the bathroom – washing their hands …

Ignorance is not an excuse

A fair legal warning.

Any attempt of using content or part(s) of it from my blog, e-mail(s), letter(s), oral communication(s) and/or any other way of communication(s), in any possible or impossible way(s), that might displease me, is an unconditional consent by the mindless drone(s) violating my rules of engagement, to pay me any and all claims, as unilaterally set by me, indefinitely.

a) offender(s) (i.e., person(s) or entity declared as offender(s) by me) waive their right(s) to dispute or appeal my claims.
b) offender(s) will settle the claims within 15 calender days from the date the claims are sent
c) these rules are valid for anything I have published and/or communicated and will publish and/or communicate between the years 1572 and 2816 (Gregorian calender)
d) any argument against my claims must be delivered to Easy Divers Supreme Authority in Pemuteran, Bali, Indonesia at least one day before offender receives my claim

I decided for this step as I want to increase safety of scuba diving. As usually, I do it for the good of majority.
As I can not directly control safety of scuba diving globally, I started in a similar way that major government agencies, dive training organizations and drug dealers do.

I hired a prestigious law firm (bloody expensive!) to protect my ass. This approach - start very locally, think globally, collect money universally, seems the right panacea for all the shit happening in the name of scuba diving.

Relativity of beliefs in Bali

A moment or an eternity?

Karma, inner peace, enjoying (or at least accepting) whatever life brings in your direction, making your fellow beings more often happy than sad – is a core belief of Balinese.
And not a bad belief for anybody else.

True or False?

No worries, you get the same points for one or the other answer.

You may believe in karma, and that what you serve to others, will be in one or another way served to you.
You may believe in gravitation.
You may reject above ideas out of hand. And to hell also with Newton and his bloody apple.
You may be frantically googling for YouTube explanation of inner peace and how to achieve it in five simple steps.
You may be calling life bad names or embracing it day after day.
You may be a true friend to your friends. Or you may be sucking them dry.

Whatever you choose, it doesn't make you Balinese, Hindu, American, Chechen, Martian or even French. You will remain who you are, just your life will be slightly different.
Vibrating. Dull. Empty. Full. Bitter. Sweet.

And now we are coming to the pearl of this post.
To describe the changes in Balinese beliefs through my long time immersion into this environment.
Strongly opinionated remarks. Wise, brilliant comments...

But first it would be nice to make it clear what is changing. Their beliefs? My perception? Amount of chili in the sauce?
My rather frequently used expression “It's been really different when I was young...” doesn't really tell what was different – me or something else.
When thinking about all the inner changes I go through on my winding path from cradle towards the grave, a thought “More I change, more I remain the same... and more I remain the same, more I change...” appears more and more frequently.

Imagine a mountain stream, its crystal clear water rushing past you - same every day, every year... And not the same for even one second.

And my in-depth assessments of changes in Balinese beliefs goes happily down the drain ...

If you got digestion problems with all this food for thought, don't jump for Alka-Seltzer - if you have a chance better strap your scuba on and do a purification treatment in the clear blue waters.

I want to see many fish!

Can you show me some fish?

I want to dive at Mejahaga … Myahagan … Meyagang … Whatever! At The Island! Because that's the only place to see some fish!
Above photo was taken at:

a) Menjangan Island National Park
b) a swimming pool
c) a shore dive
d) Close Encounters dive site at Pemuteran

How do we know Menjangan Island is the only place to dive where we can see some fish?
This fact is supported and confirmed by internet comments of expert researchers and adventurers, soul-mates of Indiana Jones, who managed to accomplish two dives in their life at Menjangan Island (and nowhere else in North Bali), so this must be the holy truth.

Any other opinions, especially from dive professionals diving in north Bali for good 15 years can not be trusted.

Joke is, experience, honest describing of what and how you see, offering a fair advice is too frequently worth very little (or less), and a shallow observation somewhere on the internet is granted all the credibility.
Some less compassionate and more sarcastic soul than me would say the virus of stupidity has been released and antidote is the most well preserved secret of today's world.

Obviously, as the information is a Siamese twin sister of disinformation, with tons and tons of information dripping into our heads day after day, we get the same amount of disinformation as well.
As there are no labels on packages, what is what, and our evaluations are becoming more and more poor, we'll start to believe the Moon is made of cheese, that we are happy, that our boss is our savior, that statements posted on FB are true, that it doesn't make sense to reach for stars as they are out of reach …

And where we will find the fish we have to see, to check one more box about our “must do” activities?
Google “I want to see some fish” and choose one of the good 200 million hits ...

Bushido of scuba diving

A close call ...

Many things can go wrong when scuba diving.
Keep cool, look good, and probability you will be able to talk (or write) about it will be much better.
What would be the worst possible close encounter under the surface?

a) a wild clown fish trying to eat you alive
b) seeing a local “dive professional” struggling to stay alive in 5 meters of water
c) seeing a group of so called “certified divers” stampeding over corals
d) avoiding a torpedo deep down

With this question and choices I overdid it. Again ... What horrible options!
But let's try to dissect them one by one and see if we can make it through, even when encountering something so frightful.

The size of attacking clown fish can be consoling. A few centimeters big fish with a few millimeters of teeth can not really harm you. And, if you stop disturbing it, you are safe anyhow.

Well, the image of a self-appointed “dive professional”, whose machismo is comparable only to his idiocy, struggling to get a gulp of air out of his wrongly prepared scuba in shallow water, can be much more disturbing. But you get used to this.

However, when you see a group of proud holders of plastic cards, describing them as divers, crawling on all four on corals, well, these are the times when safety valves open ... And, at least me, I don't get used to this.
It's interesting that in a village with five decent dive operators and a dozen of dive kiosks, customers are by some magic almost 100% correctly distributed.
Divers with respect to ocean, environment, to each other, somehow find operators with similar attitude...
And people who just want to brag about what they did, but lack any respect to anything around them end with their soul mates...
One group leaving only bubbles in ocean, the other one leaving broken gorgon fans, table top corals, huge sponges with divers names inscriptions ...
I think Don Quixote fights with windmills was a walk in a park compared to changing some attitudes.

Compared to the above issue, a close call by Mark 48 torpedo seems trivial.

SCUBA diving and chronic depression

Obvious signs of acute depression after a dive

World leading experts on scuba diving attending a symposium on “Onsets of severe chronic depression among scuba divers” were not absolutely convinced with the presented papers and were due to their disrespectful behavior excommunicated from the forum.
However, for your safety and well-being, here we will summarize the most dire warnings from this forum.

a) if you experience false feeling of freedom when scuba diving, visit your doctor
b) if you experience false feeling of pleasure when scuba diving, visit your doctor
c) if you experience false feeling of happiness when scuba diving, visit your doctor
d) never, ever do something that makes you feel better

If you are laughing at these serious warnings, as for instance those two scuba obsessed junkies, beware, you do this at your own risk.

As the most enlightened self-proclaimed professors stressed in the opening statements of the symposium the only way to successfully overcome our depression(s) is by becoming useful members of the society.
If you are born under a really lucky star, you will be allowed to give a good part of your life, your earnings and yourself to the company that is charitable enough to accept you to work for.
If after suffering a medical close call your sick leave is not too long, company will maybe even allow you to work for some more time.
Awareness that you can be on a list to hit the road on short notice, will put some additional incentive and challenge in your seven day working weeks.
And only such elements can lead a normal person to real mental stability and inner happiness.

It's hard to describe all the dangers of more and more widespread state of mind “Enjoy in every pleasure, small, tiny or big, coming your way”.
One of the worst is definitely scuba diving.
While diving, subjects can not be controlled, they are detached from all oppressive mechanisms and after diving they carry the seeds of freedom in their souls.
As through good, real diving your mind becomes familiar with very different dimensions, very different thoughts and feelings, it's practically impossible to bend and shape it again into a form we can call useful or at least acceptable.
Who's right? Who's wrong?
I don't care.
I'll just strap my scuba gear on my back and immerse.

Diving Pemuteran, Bali

Pemuteran predator waiting for a prey.

Does diving in Pemuteran, Bali, after last couple of years boom of new dive kiosks, still makes sense?
Can we still get diving operators and diving experience as it used to be?

a) yes
b) yes
c) yes
d) answers a and b are correct

As most things in life also this answers are conditional.
First you have to manage to avoid dive traps offered by “friendly” hawkers (homestay owners and staff, gardeners, taxi drivers, waiters...), offering you to call a friend for you who will give you the best price and fantastic very PADI diving services.
If you managed this and you did some evaluation on your own, then you might encounter the last few remaining old dive shops still worth the name dive shop. In some cases, doing your homework really pays off.
And professionalism, good atmosphere, good diving... everything will be the same as it used to be.
Good. Truly good.

As prevailing sign of creativity in Pemuteran is copycatting, village has now more small restaurants and dive centers than inhabitants. Competition between zero quality establishments (both local and foreign owned) is ferocious. As they can not provide any other competitive advantage as the price, they will probably in a year or two (if the trend continues) start to offer payments to any tourist willing to accept their services.

On the other hand, a few remaining old timers in scuba business, we are still using our income for all the education, equipment and training needed to offer you safe and good diving; for providing services that do not make you feel as cattle in transit; for decent salaries of our staff; for supporting community; for our own decent living...
And we are still enjoying our days of diving, chatting and from time to time dining with divers from literary all over the world. As long as our divers are staying longer than they planned; as long as they are coming back year after year; as long as we enjoy their smiles – true diving is still alive and present in Pemuteran village.

Our current most important world saving international scuba philosophical project is “Influence of scuba diving on global fusion cuisine”. Most of the papers are not (yet) published as we spent too much time meditating, daydreaming and enjoying diving on Pemuteran reefs or devouring “Pasta con chicken in Balinese devil's sauce”...
More info and how to join us in our efforts to make the world a better place you can find by a click on Easy Divers Bali, Pemuteran.



Diving in North of Bali

Immerse behind the veil of North Bali

Why scuba divers prefer north Bali dive sites to more conveniently located southern spots? Why they are willing to spend after long flights to Bali additional four hours to get here? Masochism? Proving something? Or...?

a) you can still find dive spots with more fish than divers
b) you can still find dive centers fueled by passion for diving
c) you can still find places to unwind and immerse into your holidays
d) you can still find your diving soul-mates, for instance by clicking on easy divers of Bali

South of Bali is where the airport is. Dive operators will pick you up at your hotels and drop you in the water. Sometimes even pick you up when you surface. In most (if not all) cases the only personal attention you will get is aimed towards your cash or credit card.
Not exactly what diving used to be.
And should remain.
When you, me, our scuba friends are looking for diving vacations we want something much better than this. And are willing to take the proverbial extra step to get it.

Is north of Bali really so different from south?
No, not anymore.
As a big majority of businesses (including dive businesses) are operated on principles that guarantee your overall dissatisfaction, it's not very prudent to just jump into the hands of the first beach (or street) bum attacking you with unbeatable offers.
Businesses where you as a person mean exactly zero, your payment is the only thing that counts, are not limited just to local population. Some Western operators will easily win this game. When it comes to promising you stars and heaven and delivering mud and sleaziness local tourist catchers are just babes in the woods compared to their western counterparts.

What we are looking for is a small minority of old fashioned dive businesses. Businesses, which mindsets are still focused on good diving and not ripping you off with 50% off on prices and 95% off on quality of services you get. Where you will be accepted fully, where you will be a guest of the chosen diving outfit, sure, a paying guest for services you agree, but with all the benefits of a true guest. Where owner and staff will share your joys, pleasures and sometimes sorrows without mental arithmetic what's the profit margin for this. Where you can immerse not only in fantastic waters, but also in our way of life, thinking, feelings, priorities and culinary preferences.

Where to look for something worthwhile of your diving vacations in northern part of Bali?
Sumberkima? Banyuwedang? Penyabangan? Desa Sayamauuang? Ghost resort village of Lovina?
As I've been reminded to instill an element of suspense in my posts - if these hints are not exactly your cup of tea, wait till next Thursday...

Giving or taking?



Who's receiving, who's giving?

What a diametrical difference. To give. Or to receive.
Why would we give anything to anybody after all, if any giving is making as poorer?

a) because we are stupid
b) because we like to suffer loss of something belonging to us
c) because giving is still better than whipping ourselves
d) because every giving is receiving

First, it's rather important to exclude any forced giving. Either by peer pressure (I will look bad if I don't give), either criminal extortion (if you don't give me money, I'll kill your child, I'll not sign your document...), or anything similar.

But we are looking into giving from our free will. Why we do it?
Because even if we didn't verbalize the idea “giving is receiving”, this idea is present somewhere in us. You offer something you have to somebody who wishes to have this and deserves this, just for whatever reason can not afford it. You receive person's joy flowing to you accompanied by a radiant smile and sparks in the eyes. On e-bay you can search for these items until your brain is fried, you'll not find them...

If you understand this, you don't have problems also with receiving.
When not long ago we received a nice package from Switzerland, loaded with fantastic traditional Swiss sweet stuff, we simply enjoyed, tasted, devoured it – and far away Reto was receiving our smiles.
When elderly nearby couple has a ceremony, but no means to buy essentials needed, providing these makes their days nicer. And our lives brighter.
When a woman with a child asks for a little something, a small help offered to her brings us a big smile...

And when fat government official comes demanding a donation (or else!) we also give. OK, not exactly money as he expects, but some questions to contemplate. Let's say a food for his soul.
How did your parents teach you? Are you not ashamed of what you do?

Diving or diving?

Just some true scuba junkies...

From thousands of dives I enjoyed, summary of this activity could be described:
Open your tank, open your eyes, open your mind – immerse into the rainbows of pleasures...
However, with Fox Bravo generation experience of scuba diving tends to be somewhat different.

a) if I survive this one dive, my FB post will be a killer
b) despite excruciating pain in the ears I have to make V-sign with both hands above my head and get my photo of me, myself as The Diver
c) even if I'm clawing through water as a wounded Godzilla, I can later properly describe my epic struggle from my point of view to my admirers
d) if my uncontrolled descent lands me on my ass on corals, if I break corals when crawling around, I can say: “Current was murderous...”

Yeah, a,b,c,d,e,f and g are cases sadly too frequent in July and August.
As professionals do not allow such escapades and they take non divers for their first scuba experiences safely and with necessary control; poor Fox Bravo generation must travel to Asia.
Here certain lack of respect to regulations, basic safety standards, some common sense..., allows for an absolute freedom of enterprises.
If comparing Wild West and scuba diving business in Bali, Wild West looks as a very tightly run ship...

And for adventurers who want The Experience and not some basic medical assessment, theoretical explanation, professional to escort them underwater - Balinese scuba kiosks and their moronic staff are perfect choice.

Some last month results in our area were not so perfect.

Two close calls:
One broken regulator, not delivering air – result: soiled (really badly smelling) wet suit of panicked victim, but he was still walking.
One wrongly prepared scuba unit: same result as above.

One straight between the eyes:
Asthmatic attack under water.
Result: autopsy.

Rumors say that local Ministries and international Associations hired additional staff immediately. For sweeping the news under the carpet. And who cares about few incidents now and then – most people survive and it's so profitable and amazing fun...

On one hand a bunch of retarded and greedy self proclaimed scuba operators, and on the other hand a bunch of not really blindingly bright customers – what a blessed combination...

Menjangan Island, Bali

Gliding through water, enjoying, not touching, not destroying - just snorkeling

When visiting Menjangan Island Marine National Park either for snorkeling or scuba diving, what we should do to protect environment?

a) protect our feet before stepping on and killing the corals
b) allow our guide to catch and bring marine species to the surface for a closer look
c) take wonderful photos when our guide is torturing fish with a stainless steel sate stick
d) praise our guide when he destroys old, healthy gorgon fan to find pigmy sea horse

You don't find these answers appropriate? Me neither.
Sadly these answers are not the seeds of my pervert imagination, they are just my observations.

 

But!
Menjangan Island National Park is protected by Indonesian government.
Every dive operator is trying to protect life in marine national park.
PADI dive centers put even more of their resources (education, work, financial...) into protection.
Tourists are saints regarding preservation and protection of the nature.

These very nice statements look slightly less nice in reality:

Government protection: they diligently collect protection fees from foreign owned dive operators, their guests and guides.
Small part of this money they use for occasional raids to check if we paid everything. Rest they use for undisclosed purposes.
They stay in harbor whenever poachers are fishing on the protected reefs of Menjangan Island. When complaining about occasional fishing expeditions on protected reefs, they like to say “Maybe you and your guests see wrong...”.
In a nutshell – a total crap of a job.

Too many dive and snorkeling guides taking guests to Menjangan reefs are deeply in love only with money.
For a slim chance of a little more tip they will do anything.
If guest want to see why puffer fish is called puffer they will demonstrate it for you. If puffer fish finds itself in mortal danger it puffs itself to try to scare enemy away with bigger size. When inflated it floats to the surface. And in many cases it can not deflate soon enough to submerge and it dies. This is why you have to really torture it before she uses this final defensive mechanism. Stainless steel sticks are fantastic tool for showing holidaymakers what marine life can do...
And same stick is very useful also for raking gorgon fan coral to dislodge a few millimeters big pigmy sea horse and proudly showing tiny creature to you...

Or for poking a beautiful lion fish...

We have close to 20 PADI dive centers in Pemuteran. As for the exception of a couple foreign owned dive centers and two locally owned, rest are behaving really miserably.
Not only I do not support, I strongly oppose PADI position on what kind of businesses are allowed to use PADI name.

However, greed, total absence of ecological awareness, really bad behavior in national park conducted by some local, uneducated boys I can at least understand, if not approve.
But esteemed visitors from the West, enjoying and paying for this? This point is too much for me.
I'll simply try to take you to places not infested by snorkelers and divers with moronic attitude, where we do not have to observe idiots trying to devastate nature...
To places where we can enjoy in pure diving, without disturbing anything, to enjoy visiting all the creatures that rightfully call this habitat their home, where we leave only bubbles in the clear waters and take with us only memories...

A dive leader

United we sail, divided we snorkel...

If you are running any kind of business (even if you are just a CEO at insurance company, doing nothing all day long), you are considered to be the boss of the certain outfit.
And you are supposed to receive:

a) all the glory your subordinates deserve
b) admiration of your clients because your staff work their asses off
c) worshiping of your employees
d) a lollipop every morning

If you are not able to take credit also for occasional blunder your people do, well, then even lollipop is in question...

As one of my Chinese students nicely put: “Business is like war, you need solid strategy, you need flexible tactical solutions...”. And if we want to lead our “warriors” successfully we have to educate them and train and train and train them.
Their adequacy is our responsibility. If you are a role model just for greediness and stupidity, and you offer poor education and shitty training – what will you expect from them?
As slightly megalomaniac French diver (or was he just an emperor?) on a rare bright moment said: “There are no shitty troops, there are only shitty commanders.”

My brave brothers in arms in the holy war of good leadership, simply give your best to your troops and you will receive the best from them.
You may demand a lot from them. Sometimes even more. But when push comes to shove – then you, yes you, will stand between them and pissed off client.
You fucked up either with organization of work, preparation of your guys – whatever, you take the heat and prevent shit from happening again.
When they praise you from here to next galaxy, never, ever forget to share praises with your team.

If your people take you as a strict but fair boss (if you have genes of Genghis Kan and Mother Teresa it helps), if they rely on you, if they respect you for your knowledge and experience (and not your bitching) you will always achieve your goals with their support.
If you allow some humor to brighten dull working chores, well, this is like a cherry on a delicious cake.

In a nutshell, we are again back to “You reap what you sow...”

We live only once

Learn from us.

As each and every life we live, we live only once, we should make a good use of it. What would be the key-points leading to full, happy life?

a) surfing on the net for the essence of life
b) attending crash courses “How to live”
c) bitching about the jobs
d) passionately enjoying in the boredom of everyday life

If you are a representative of a group “What most people do, I'll do”, you'll probably find most (if not all) of the answers above accurate.

However, if you find yourself a little left from the field declared by herd as “Bordering to normal”, you'll try to find some different answers.
Minor problem with these answers is, more you look, search for them, more elusive they are.
Rather similar to chasing love, cat, happiness... More wild is your chase, less chances to catch it.
Stop chasing the cat and she will come into your lap.
Answers, success, happiness, love..., they tend to behave very much the same.

Allow good things to happen to you.

And there is some difference in waiting and expecting for good things to happen and allowing them to happen.
First principle is from the category “searching, hunting, chasing” with all the consequences.
Second one simply happens.

If your mind is still impatiently uttering words as When?! Where?!, well, maybe you do not want to encounter things that make our lives a stardust covered rainbow...

Bali businesses going bananas

Abandon hope all ye enter here...

As our village is turning from a rather poor, remote settlement into economically blooming paradise, number of smiling, happy people is proportionally going down.
What is going wrong?

a) as in most places in the world – many things
b) creativity and fresh minds are gone with the wind
c) business ideas and solutions are becoming slightly weird
d) number of bankrupt businesses is heading towards stratosphere

Through the years some change in mindsets started.
Old idea of doing what you are good at, what you like to do, what you are nicely paid for – this is passe!
Doing a business, even if you don't know what the word means, is the thing!

How this started and what is going on?
Probably they collectively attended a workshop “Stop working – do business”.
Guidelines from this workshop are simple:

"Having a good job with a nice salary is for losers. For success you must have your own business. If you don't have funds to start it and not a slightest clue how to do it is not an issue. Look at it as a challenge and your advantage.
You take a look what business your neighbor has. Then borrow heavily. As you have to stand out, you don't copy blindly from your neighbor – you have to use your creativity. If neighbor is offering fried noodles, you put on your menu fried noodles special... And after a short while you have dozens of same rundown businesses all struggling to survive and from time to time going belly up...
As (just in order to keep your business above the water) you desperately and unscrupulously try to steal staff and guests from your neighbors your relationship with neighbors becomes a touch sour..."

Before you start laughing at simplicity (some bad characters would say stupidity) of Pemuteran people, just take a look at the newest international enterprise in Pemuteran.
After intensive fact finding mission great business minds gathered information that six hotel restaurants in Pemuteran offer also pizza. All together they manage to sell 12 to 16 pizzas per month.
Voila!
After a heavy brain-storm they rented land, and a bunch of locals from the neighboring village, some French and Swiss “blue sky thinkers” and one Pemuteran businessman are preparing to open a striving business.
Yeah, a pizzeria...

A living, walking proof of a combined Western - Balinese business superiority...

 

Decisions

Decide.

In time spent between the cradle and the grave (in some circles known as a lifetime), we have to cope with zillions of decisions. As time spent deciding and weighing the options can be hardly described as our quality time, what can we do to lessen the waste of the time?

a) hire a gypsy fortune-teller to decide for us
b) flip a coin for dilemmas
c) spend life undecided and frustrated
d) immerse into scuba diving and learn from it

Deciding can be really a pain in the ass. To listen to our ratio? Heart? Intuition? Gut feeling? Wrong? Right?
Maybe it's better not to decide at all. Hmm, not deciding is already a decision itself. Right or wrong...
Or just a brief glance at options and decide. Well, if you decide wrong, sometimes it's difficult to undecide. Jump or not jump? When you jump it's hard to unjump.

Scuba diving requires decisions very often. For some we have ample time, for some seconds. Some not so important, some crucial. More than half of the wrong decisions in diving are result of no deciding at all.
And if I want to continue writing these posts and you reading them, our decisions better be good.

If you approach scuba diving as your passion in which you want to immensely and very safely enjoy, good decision making process becomes your second skin.
Integrating this into teaching scuba is part of any level of diving courses.
Correction. Not “is”, but better “should be”.

If your teacher leads you properly, you will not just master some theoretical and practical things about scuba diving; also your amazing tool; installed somewhere in your subconsciousness, making decisions for you; will become more sharp and more effective.
Major weakness for proper decision making is too much focusing on pure gathering of a multitude of facts (especially in information overburdened society we live), instead of teaching the way how to use relevant, even if scarce, facts properly.

Being capable of installing a fantastic light in your room, connecting all the wires properly, scientifically determining adequate wattage will not make your room any brighter.
Unless you decide to switch the light on.
Decide.
A lifetime spend gathering facts on the meaning of life or some eternal moments devouring the taste of stardust on her lips...

Live, dive, love – as a monk

“Immersion” - as envisioned by Saint Diving Guru

 



Country I live in, is considered open to various religions. Even rather obscure and outdated religions, such as Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Buddhist are accepted here. However, religion of SCUBA Blue Church is not yet recognized as a religion.
Are we, dwellers of the depths, true religious leaders?
Let's take a look at the basic elements defining religion.

a) deep faith
b) dedicated places for true believers to worship
c) higher forces to believe in and to ask them for guidance
d) priests that can initiate you and absolve you from your sins

As a high priest of SCUBA Blue Church my faith in my old Dive Rite BC and my trusted Poseidon X-treme deep regulator is solid as a rock.
We, Blue Church members all deeply belief in good SCUBA equipment, pure air in our tanks, in our deserved self confidence and our right to enjoy being free spirits.

In our north western part of Bali we have 33 sacred places from 5 to 40 meters below the surface to worship blue planet.

Without help of divine higher forces we would never survive thousands of hours in habitat not meant for land based creatures.

High priests of Blue Church can not only initiate you and absolve you from your land based sins, much more, we can even lead you on the path of pure levitation to free your mind of everyday evils.

My monastery is simple, rather ascetic, but you can find several holy religious artifacts and persons here. Jacket, Saint Dusan uses for his ceremonies in Blue Church, head cover of the same saint, his quatro plana fins, two Cosmic Priests Mazi and Ficko and so on and so on...

When I've been checking with government why we are not yet recognized as a religious entity, one guy mentioned “You never declared a holy war against non divers...”



Journalism

Oh, my benefactor, I'll praise you in my article...

What are major hardships of investigative reporting? Either from fancy spa in Europe, a fantastic ski resort in Switzerland, or an exotic dive destination...

a) frantic emailing, texting, calling for free accommodations, free dinners, free...
b) negotiating with the owners of businesses for more and more benefits
c) twisting serene, leisure activities into attractive wild stories
d) trying to get a fair picture to present it to readers

Type d journalists are a little more rare than dodo.
Type a, b and c journalists are a little more densely populated than rabbits in Australia.

But what's the difference between paid ads and a reportage if journalists are paid by businesses that are willing to pay?
There must be some difference.
I'm just not able to pinpoint it.

For ads you pay to the account of the magazine, for a reportage you pay to journalist directly. With free this, free that... More freebies, better is your business.

Readers can rely on this published articles as every reporter will very carefully and objectively evaluate the value of received free services and his report will be objective to the maximum.
For instance if a journalist receives a free coffee, this coffee will be praised. On the other hand, if he will be asked to pay for a cake, this cake he will mention as a totally overpriced. So, business owners please pay attention for what elements of your business you would like to get high marks.
Journalists' objectivity and integrity you can not fool.

Advice for business owners.
Increase the prices of your mediocre business for 5 to 10%. Use this extra income for supporting investigative journalists. Articles about your fantastic, unique business will attract more and more customers.
Looks like a textbook win win case both for business owners and for journalists.

True, but what about the readers, customers; all these naïve, trusting souls...?