Thursday, October 25, 2012

Dive briefing

Absolute attention to the instructor...

Dive briefings are extremely important for our dive safety and pleasure.
So, when I conduct my dive briefings:
a) divers are paying maximum attention
b) they are memorizing the crucial information
c) they are mesmerized by my eloquent explanation
d) and definitely not laughing their heads off
All true, very true - except...
As any story, also this one has some minor exceptions. When diving with a charming Chinese princess, things became a touch more sparkling...
First, I would like to make it clear, that at the moment this picture was taken:
I was not explaining to her that a 2 centimeter long and 3 millimeters thick translucent worm living on a gorgonia fan coral is definitely not trying to eat her.
Also I was not explaining that best part of chicken in banana leaf is inside the leaf, not the leaf itself.
So, what the heck caused this laughing outburst?!
As she nearly caused a heart attack to her fiancee with repeating the most feared sign deep down and activated my powers of The Dark Prince of Blue Waters to calm the situation, back on the boat I felt I had to explain to her some things again.
At the moment this photo was taken, I've been just explaining some possible critical situations under the water and the best ways to avoid or solve them...
My explanation was obviously right on the target, as after the outburst of laughter she simply declared, you will be my buddy on next dives and there will be no critical situations.
Looks like she deeply believes in ancient diving wisdom.
Every woman deserves a man who can make her laugh, who will take her deep down and safely back, who will know how to enjoy in her beautiful presence and will get her a good ice cream after diving.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Close Encounters


Situation: you are deep down, watching a small flat worm, worming his way around. Depth 36 meters. Air pressure 170 bar, dropping. Remaining bottom time: critical. You look up and you are face to face (if you can call it a face) with an alien.
What you should do?

a) press ctrl+alt+del immediately
b) remove regulator and start chanting “Me friend, me friend, no enemy!”
c) hot-wire your Galileo computer into FB and post your last post
d) say “Hello, dear mother-in-law...”

I decided to ask this friendly cuttle fish, what was her perception of an encounter with a diver. Poor thing was in a state of total shock, so we had to wait for a while, until she was able to express herself.
Then she burst: “What a horrible thing!!! This ugly thing was holding a snake head in its mouth (regulator?) and waving its terrible tentacles (legs and arms?) and coming closer and closer!!! I will have nightmares for a while... How these grotesque creatures breed?! If they would come close to each other, they would start screaming in terror and not copulating... Must be wireless breeding...”

Looks like long, shapely legs, dreamy eyes and sweet smile can attract certain creatures and fill with ultimate horror another creature.

When traveling, especially to more exotic places, we experience a part of this xenophobia. Color of skin, cultural differences, habits, believes, shape of the nose, religions, perceptions... everything can be a little strange.
And what is strange to us we can translate into dangerous, hateful, to be eliminated. And here we go, brave, top positioned animals on the planet...

I try to work on lessening my xenophobia by working in one exotic place (Bali) and taking holidays in another exotic place (Slovenia). However, if I start screaming when you will wave your arms and try to hug me at our reunion, well, workshop positive results are still in process...:)

Thursday, October 11, 2012

My diving history

It all started once upon a time...

As a nice girl really nicely remarked, this BCD speaks volumes about my age. Probably she meant experience. Who can blame these young things for improper use of the words...:)

However, the question is, how did it all start? And when?

a) as I've been never very savvy with technicalities, I asked for help my friend Leonardo
b) signor Da Vinci constructed an interesting apparatus
c) since then I've been testing, using and enjoying this device
d) and today you can see poor imitations all over the world

Even if my abused memory can not provide exact day and date of the first scuba attempts, I can say it's been probably a couple of Fridays back. Maybe even a touch longer?

However, in 20th century they decided you need a license for practically any activity. For driving a car, flying a plane, double zero license to..., different license again for scuba diving, today probably taking a girl out for a dinner requires a license as well...

I would like to stress out my fantastic achievements, when qualifying for different recreational levels of scuba diving. I passed all the courses without killing, permanently disabling or putting in a nut house my overly stressed instructor.

During boring first few, shallow water training dives I tried to make it a little more interesting and I showed him my ability to perform a good solo, limited visibility dive in overhead environment. OK, it was not intended, it just happened.

He's been on the verge of freaking out, getting a heart attack, but somehow he made it. I heard him crying at nights and mumbling in his sleep “Don't do this!!!! No...!!!”

However, he managed to survive and sign all the needed applications... and I became an esteemed member of recreational scuba diving community.

What I've been doing in the name of scuba diving in Adriatic, Red Sea and some other spots remains classified for 99 years.

This fantastic start has been as a clear message from Poseidon to me. I am destined to be a professional diver.

As it frequently happens to ex-alcoholics, ex-insurance company directors, ex-mass murderers, ex-smokers and similar pillars of our society, that they become most fundamentalist preachers of the right ways, something similar happened to me.

As a professional diver I started a crusade against crazy, dangerous ways of diving.

My goal is rather simple and realistic. A piece of apfelstrudel...

To convert some careless divers  to do it more safely, to close down shitty dive joints, to convince big certifying agencies to stop issuing licenses as candies to people who never passed the basic standards for diving.

For more info visit me in one of my offices :)

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Connected or alienated?

Purrring gurus

The worst fear of 21st century.
Attacking tiger? No. Starvation to death? No. Falling from a height? No. Death? No.
Are we connected deeply enough? Aaahh! Truly fearsome! Oh, Lord, please, do not disconnect me...!
a) as long as you receive my electrons and I receive your electrons, yes, we are deeply connected
b) we are fantastically connected as long as the dark forces of evil do not kill internet
c) I love the shape of electrons you send to me
d) and you love the sound of electrons dropping on your screen

Not long ago I received a message in the email signature “Do you know that 93% of businesses are present on facebook, twitter, blogger...? Are you?”

I couldn't help myself not to add another fact about businesses and a question of my own.
“Do you know that only 7% of businesses are exceeding customers expectations...?
In which group is your business?”

Maybe you are wondering how it is possible for such an antediluvian diver as I am, to be present in virtual universe at all.
I would really like to take all the credit for the masterpieces published on Thursdays on this blog and occasional spark on FB. But credit to whom it's due.
As I am rather good at delegating jobs and tasks, I've been wise enough to ask my purrring gurus for some assistance. Believe me, without their help this bloody machines would already start their unsought flying lessons...

When mama guru Ficko looks at me with an expression “Are you out of your mind?!”, I just delete the last paragraph...
And when our chief guru Mazi decides to lay on a keyboard, it's a clear sign to switch off machinery, we go to bed and continue reading (purrring) a book...
And when I am toying with a new idea I just listen to their purrring...

A lot of good diving; delicious, spicy food; fascinating company from all the places in the world; reading books and sleeping with a furry guru; strong coffee in the morning – and I can cope even with virtual world :)